still about me

i am getting married to someone who will bring me to BELGIUM. this is a dream come true! slap on the face--am i awake or not? i'm still skeptical and i still don't know by now. fuck! it's april 2 and he's going to belgium on april 15. that leaves him less than 15 days to fix our marriage papers. he's going to marry me? me? yes, i'm pretty but i'm quite the crazy woman type. i get insecure and angry and my thoughts lead me to do something drastic all the time. i am never submissive. i'm really strong. i can stand alone. for me, it's better not to have a relationship than to follow a guy or be stressed out over a guy. i am happy and still surprised now. i can't wait to sign those papers and go to that country. really. maturity tells me to go and think it over a hundred times before diving, imagining what will happen in the future. another side of me, tells me to just calm down and focus on my own career goals and not rely on the guy. i think the second one is much better. rather than getting frustrated in the end, i'd rather see things first, see what will happen. sometimes apathy is the best way to counter unnecessary stress. but shit! i can't stop thinking about it! i can't stop imagining myself being in that country, cheering for my football star and being a what? a caregiver? it's a french-speaking country and i'm english-speaking. there might be jobs that need english-speakers! a call center perhaps. wait, i'll browse through the net on english-speaking jobs in belgium. yes there are! but i would like to stick to communication. i would like to jobs related to media and communication. i have various experiences actually be it sales, customer service, education, but nothing related to media and that is what i'm going to start right now. now this is realistic. media then eventually be a star on television. i'm just really riding the second choice boat here but i really want to be a star. that's what i want to be and that's what i'm going to be. sort of an oprah winfrey dream. i just want to be famous. and yes, money will follow after that. money is nothing if you are not self-fulfilled. if the desires of the heart are not fulfilled, money is nothing. thing is, i don't really live to dress up and flaunt branded clothes. it's not really my priority. my priority is to do what i really really want. idealism can't be robbed off me. it's still like that and i know i have the strength for that.