Older and Wiser

I just  have so many things to say. In the course of hardships, my mind became so perplexed, overly active and my body followed the whims of the mind. I turned my fantasies into reality, at least sexually. I was out of control but I don't regret it. I tried having 2 boyfriends at the same time a year ago. I lived with one and visited the other on weekends. I was practically fucking 2 men at the same period of my life, and they knew about it. Manipulative but not really. In fact, I loved them both. I remember this article of Marilyn Monroe a.k.a Norma Jean, of her being an orphan and the vibe of neediness. Men are drawn to her because she exuded this vibe of a little girl, wanting a man's attention. I have serious daddy issues and I have hostility towards men. What I needed from them is attention. I just want to know that they admire me, treat me like a princess. Growing up, I never viewed myself as beautiful. People tell me I am smart, so I believe in that. I wanted dominance in a different arena, beauty. I still have issues physically but I get so much affirmation as soon as I lure the guys into bed. There I feel the power, the adoration, right when they fondle with my breasts. Upon writing my next line, I should reveal what occurred in the past few weeks or days. I have engaged in threesomes, 2 men and me. It was so satisfying and it was pure lust. The two men looking into your eyes both, you kissing them one after another. These aren't just men that gave in but men who are actually my type. I will never, in my life, forget the time I lied in bed with them, the 2 of them, hugging me. I got particularly stuck with one guy. He kissed me and I can feel the understanding. He stayed in bed with me unlike the other.  It may also be the way we looked at each other. The other guy was shady. I begin to think, do men get attached? The obsession was too much as after effects and so I tried to drown myself into getting other people's attention but it wasn't the same. It was my first time and I'm gonna go get it again from the same men. And so I thought, but to my surprise, I had the same experience with 2 other men with a different color. I don't even know how it started. It was more like an animal act the second time around. While at it, there was a physiological effect but nothing really beats the first time. There was no magic with the second. In fact, I don't ever want to do it with them again. That's because they were not my type in the first place. There wasn't any connection either. I need to face the truth. I have to stop escaping. If a man likes you, he will go after you. He will pursue you and get to know you. There's no way you will know just by sex. In the meantime, you have to enrich yourself. Make asexual relationships. Do something for your life. Move on.

Of Whores, McDonald's diet, the turban, arabic, russian, and my consciousness

the world is in deed getting really global. in just a matter of 10 days, i feel like i have traveled the world. my job is to teach english, and this job is about dealing with different people, i don't mean children, i mean adults...it is so overwhelming to be with different people and know all these stories, all their cultures, and well-being. i don't know who to start with because all of them have the same degree to me. what i can generalize is that almost all the men that i will talk about have some sort of attraction or lust for me. and i blame it on the situation. as what kas told me as she was analyzing why i always get a string of lustful admirers is that, i'm pretty (not the beauty queen type but maybe a girl next door type or in this case, the girl in the next bed since i live in a dormitory bombarded by men) and i'm there. i appear available. in a world of so much pressure, money, family, responsibilities, i can provide pleasure, that caress, that look of admiration, that kiss, and so on and so forth. what i can provide is what whores can't. it is genuine affection, even for just a limited period of time. sweet november? ya, that's the idea but i am not dying yet. when a man pays for sex, it just means that he wants carnal pleasure and he's not expecting the woman to genuinely admire him (he has to pay for the touch, the fake moans, as one whore said, "it's clinical."). it's like having a massage. there is pleasure but seriously, it doesn't mean anything. the whore is thinking about money. it might turn out to be something else but, can u seriously trust someone who has been having sex for money. can u seriously believe that it wont be about money? it is sad to be used for money. it is sad to be used and to use. it feels so unnatural. my mind is racing. why am i talking about paid sex? it is because i live in the same house with whores. 3 armenian whores who speak russian and that fact got me interested in learning russian. am i secretly attracted to whores? i admire their courage, their boldness to face the world knowing that they are selling themselves. could women married to rich men because of their money quasi-whores? this brings me to my number one student, ana. i love her, yes. she's beautiful. she becomes more and more radiant the more u spend time with her. she looks classy even in sneakers. she married a guy without being infatuated with him. she admitted that she only learned to love a guy after getting married to him. isn't this the principle of being with someone because of money? isn't this what whores do? what can she do? the guy could earn something she could never earn in her life. i admit that every time i go to her apartment to teach her and every time i ride her car, there is a flow of envy running through my veins and how i wish my future husband could be like that.  i look at the mirror and see my chubby cheeks and realize that maybe im not the type who could marry rich because of my looks... but i want to be. i want to be a barbie doll not a cabbage patch kid. tall and slender... but those are unattainable things. and i am beginning to laugh at myself now.