Same Girl

I'm listening to a love song now with a baby sleeping beside me. I'm totally over my husband now and I'm ready for a change. I think I've struggled with sex addiction or love addiction for how many years that I have lost myself. I have lost track of who I wanna be and how I want my life to be. I was just too afraid to be alone. Now I have a little prince by my side and I am not alone. It will take a real prince to qualify as a lover for me. I was so desperate for someone. I felt so lonely. It was so easy for me to be in love with someone. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what I'm capable of. I did not have any standards. When I look at my profile pic on Facebook, I feel like, any guy would be lucky to have me. They should pay. So let me tell you about my husband and how he made me fall. Well he is handsome to begin with. I failed to recognize his status, I failed to recognize the fact that he is not capable of marrying me and really bring with me. Life was a struggle with him. It was so easy for me to fall for him or for anyone at that time because I felt so lost and alone. Any dick that presents itself is acceptable. I even had a guy from Nigeria! Scammers! It was so easy for me to fall really. Georgia was like a place so hollow, so dark that I couldn't find my way. I was also figuring out so many things like what to do. I just didn't have any standards.

Working for THE Billionaire of Apevelo

Count Dracula. Net Worth: 5.2 Billion. Looks: 3 (1-10). How did he get filthy rich? He bought the right properties at the right time. Wife: looks like a witch. Match made in heaven. Count Dracula meets Maleficent. I take that back. Maleficent looks a lot better. The witch from Hansel and Gretel, that's more like it. Let's start with that witch. She feels like some intellectual from Paris, born and raised there, when she was born and raised in the muddy terrains of Apevelo. She shows that she has high standards regarding everything, that she is a perfectionist. Come on, cut the crap. I can smell your pretentiousness and hypocrisy from afar, and stop using those fad diets because you are starting to look like the vegetables you are eating. No amount of Evian will replenish your dry skin because you are old and saggy. Guess who is the best friend of the witch? A fat witch! I call her the Wart Witch who smells like Fart.

Older and Wiser

I just  have so many things to say. In the course of hardships, my mind became so perplexed, overly active and my body followed the whims of the mind. I turned my fantasies into reality, at least sexually. I was out of control but I don't regret it. I tried having 2 boyfriends at the same time a year ago. I lived with one and visited the other on weekends. I was practically fucking 2 men at the same period of my life, and they knew about it. Manipulative but not really. In fact, I loved them both. I remember this article of Marilyn Monroe a.k.a Norma Jean, of her being an orphan and the vibe of neediness. Men are drawn to her because she exuded this vibe of a little girl, wanting a man's attention. I have serious daddy issues and I have hostility towards men. What I needed from them is attention. I just want to know that they admire me, treat me like a princess. Growing up, I never viewed myself as beautiful. People tell me I am smart, so I believe in that. I wanted dominance in a different arena, beauty. I still have issues physically but I get so much affirmation as soon as I lure the guys into bed. There I feel the power, the adoration, right when they fondle with my breasts. Upon writing my next line, I should reveal what occurred in the past few weeks or days. I have engaged in threesomes, 2 men and me. It was so satisfying and it was pure lust. The two men looking into your eyes both, you kissing them one after another. These aren't just men that gave in but men who are actually my type. I will never, in my life, forget the time I lied in bed with them, the 2 of them, hugging me. I got particularly stuck with one guy. He kissed me and I can feel the understanding. He stayed in bed with me unlike the other.  It may also be the way we looked at each other. The other guy was shady. I begin to think, do men get attached? The obsession was too much as after effects and so I tried to drown myself into getting other people's attention but it wasn't the same. It was my first time and I'm gonna go get it again from the same men. And so I thought, but to my surprise, I had the same experience with 2 other men with a different color. I don't even know how it started. It was more like an animal act the second time around. While at it, there was a physiological effect but nothing really beats the first time. There was no magic with the second. In fact, I don't ever want to do it with them again. That's because they were not my type in the first place. There wasn't any connection either. I need to face the truth. I have to stop escaping. If a man likes you, he will go after you. He will pursue you and get to know you. There's no way you will know just by sex. In the meantime, you have to enrich yourself. Make asexual relationships. Do something for your life. Move on.

Of Whores, McDonald's diet, the turban, arabic, russian, and my consciousness

the world is in deed getting really global. in just a matter of 10 days, i feel like i have traveled the world. my job is to teach english, and this job is about dealing with different people, i don't mean children, i mean adults...it is so overwhelming to be with different people and know all these stories, all their cultures, and well-being. i don't know who to start with because all of them have the same degree to me. what i can generalize is that almost all the men that i will talk about have some sort of attraction or lust for me. and i blame it on the situation. as what kas told me as she was analyzing why i always get a string of lustful admirers is that, i'm pretty (not the beauty queen type but maybe a girl next door type or in this case, the girl in the next bed since i live in a dormitory bombarded by men) and i'm there. i appear available. in a world of so much pressure, money, family, responsibilities, i can provide pleasure, that caress, that look of admiration, that kiss, and so on and so forth. what i can provide is what whores can't. it is genuine affection, even for just a limited period of time. sweet november? ya, that's the idea but i am not dying yet. when a man pays for sex, it just means that he wants carnal pleasure and he's not expecting the woman to genuinely admire him (he has to pay for the touch, the fake moans, as one whore said, "it's clinical."). it's like having a massage. there is pleasure but seriously, it doesn't mean anything. the whore is thinking about money. it might turn out to be something else but, can u seriously trust someone who has been having sex for money. can u seriously believe that it wont be about money? it is sad to be used for money. it is sad to be used and to use. it feels so unnatural. my mind is racing. why am i talking about paid sex? it is because i live in the same house with whores. 3 armenian whores who speak russian and that fact got me interested in learning russian. am i secretly attracted to whores? i admire their courage, their boldness to face the world knowing that they are selling themselves. could women married to rich men because of their money quasi-whores? this brings me to my number one student, ana. i love her, yes. she's beautiful. she becomes more and more radiant the more u spend time with her. she looks classy even in sneakers. she married a guy without being infatuated with him. she admitted that she only learned to love a guy after getting married to him. isn't this the principle of being with someone because of money? isn't this what whores do? what can she do? the guy could earn something she could never earn in her life. i admit that every time i go to her apartment to teach her and every time i ride her car, there is a flow of envy running through my veins and how i wish my future husband could be like that.  i look at the mirror and see my chubby cheeks and realize that maybe im not the type who could marry rich because of my looks... but i want to be. i want to be a barbie doll not a cabbage patch kid. tall and slender... but those are unattainable things. and i am beginning to laugh at myself now.

No Title

I just had a Thai massage. I chose a masseur so the pressure is harder. For 100 pesos i had slice of comfort or discomfort? Though i totally reaped the rewards minutes after. I still feel giddy after the physical pressure laid down on me. I experienced the basics. I had a taste of the village life. How i would like to venture mysticism, the quest to resolve tensions. I want to believe in something. I want to heal, I want to cure my mother of her aches and pains and all the negativity that shadows her beliefs. Maybe that's my life task because I know more than she knows. I've come to accept that she has a myopic view on things. This is how it is to love. It is painstaking. You can not just forget about it. Maybe that's one thing I share with my past lovers, it's the pain they encountered from family. I really wish them well. Now that I have time to reflect, I want to apologize from the bottom of my heart and the form of apology is in a form of letting go. I am sure there are other women without baggage. I just wish they became my friends. That's the point of having a new kind of relatioship called friends with benefits or fuck buddies. But what if the guy hits it up with you as a good pal, is really attractive and likes you too? That is a boyfriend material but you don't wanna ruin ruin anything so

Dear John,

I love you so much that it hurts. I am so scared. I want you to be my forever. I want you to be mine. You really know it, you already know that I love you and it's up to you now to concede. I don't want to think. I just want to feel. When you hold my hand, it will be magical, just enough for me to breathe. Seeing you is enough. The greatest fulfillment for me now, is to know that you feel the same way too. I don't want to force you, it's your own free will. God is there to enlighten you.

PR Jobs

I'm here in the safety and confines of my own room at work, free from having to talk to people and pretending that I am interested in them, free from all the comments and advices that are unsolicited. I'm just happy to be able to chat with whom I want to chat on yahoomessenger, read what I want to read online, and write what I want to write on this blog without being conscious of any prying seatmate I may have. The pay is again delayed but who cares? The pay is good here at this language center/training center/english proficiency rating center whatever. I want to have another job, a full time one near my apartment in Paranaque. I have come to like it because the rent is cheap. It's just less than $100 per month. $100 is what I alot for everything including electricity and all. It's very managable. I don't know but something tells me to just stay in that apartment we are living in. I am planning to buy a carpet and a proper bed and some wooden furniture. I am planning to really fix the place and make it a real hang out place. I'm going to make the most out of it. I want it all white with wooden furniture; wooden frame for the mirror, wooden divider, wooden all. It will put some character in the place. I'm not going to let my boyfriend decide on what to put or not to put. It's gonna be my place. I think it's about time that I really own something and create something without anyone interfering in it. That is what single life is all about isn't it? Buying stuff, collecting, enjoying things and money while it's there and simply living the dream. My life idol is a fictional character from Sex and the City. I think it's gonna be like that for a long time. I'm moving to New York and have yet to meet Mr. Big or settle with my Aidan here. Aidan or Angelo, my boyfriend for almost a year now is a young guy who is starting in life and still learning from me. I am more experienced professionally jumping from one career to another. I am on project-based status for now but the project seems regular for two years now. I am considering getting a full-time job as a news reporter here but if I don't get the slot I might perhaps kill myself. Just kidding. Of course I won't but I will definitely stop having this project-based employment from being my main source of income and get back into working a regular job with regular benefits in my hometown. This morning, on my way to work, I rode with a former neighbor in a van going to my workplace (the van ride doesn't really reach the workplace but it gets me to a point that it's only a train ride going there). Much has been said about how our lives are not. It was a long chat. We talked about our neighbors and how they are now, who married whom, who has the best life, who has the best job, etc. etc. We talked about how it's hard to have a baby when you are not prepared. I am definitely not going to have a baby yet. Duh? I still have to study abroad, work abroad, be famous, be successful, have lots of money... a whole lot more! Baby-ing is a Miranda Hobbes stage decision and she got hers when she was in her mid 30's. I suddenly thought of Samantha Jones. I think her job is well-suited for me. Let me take a look at some PR jobs.