Man and the Christmas Ham

Now what am I doing here again? I'm along glancing all around the place for what we may have thought as eligible bachelors, foreign eligible bachelors. I exhanged smiles with one mature-looking guy already. Maybe they sensed that I'm built for the kill, maybe not. Five Filipino men smoking at the bar and making quick glances at me. Soon I'm going to enjoy my Jack Daniel's rib-eye steak. I can't think but I can sense. They don't look old. They actually look like in their mid-30's. The question that I have in mind now is, "Are they on a hunt?" Across my table right there sitting at the bar, I can see a man and a woman sitting together and sitting together is what all they could do. Now the woman starts texting. She must be as bored as hell. I think. The man is also as bored, I am so sure. A man wearing a suit enters and stares at my belly? What? I must be wearing a wrong dress. Or I must be too conscious. He wasn't staring at my belly, he just looked at this cute laptop. The woman who went behind him with a kid looked at the laptop too, so it's not me, not the belly. Just the laptop. Tell me, why do the dumb ugly women get the rich guys and I can't? I took another bite of the honey-glazed Jack Daniel's ribs (costing a holy P700!), it's sweet and I kinda' not into this. I am slowly imagining Christmas ham. Now wait, I am not yet finished. I can see another Caucasian-looking guy, a fat one. He's sitting beside a very Filipino-looking talking about something serious. Here is another woman who just asked me if I'm already done. She looks so glamourous and I'm sure the food my rent would only cost her pair of velvet shoes. I was surprised when she got my plate and gave it to the counter. She must be the bar manager. Oh wait, the bored-with-each-other couple is gone and the seat is replaced by a Dora I mean a Darla-looking woman talking to someone on the cell. She may also be curious why I'm here, alone too. I am so waiting for this bald guy with an Arabic accent to turn his back and take a sneak peak at this young lad that is me. I'm turned off by the accent. He also seemed to complain. I have a bad feeling about him. He's X. These Filipino men's faces seem friendlier and they look like they know the deal on things. Except that no one's looking at me anymore. I should have gone to Hard Rock Cafe. No one seems to be paying attention at me. I can even leave now except that I don't have the guts to. This irritating waitress with a panda on her back was just pacing back and forth in front of me. At last, a guy waiter took note of me making faces, rolling my eyes. Oh my God. My heart just raced when I saw this gorgeous bald guy, Caucasion-looking (I couldn't even spell now, I mean Caucasian) just came in wearing his reading glasses. Glasses. It reminded me first of Smith and then my own boyfriend, Angelo. He is so boring but he loves me. I lost P800 because of the fucking piece of meat. It's fine. Ok, look at me bald guy, stop looking at the phone, don't look at your phone because no one will text you. You are in a foreign country. The 4 men in front of me are boisterous, annoying. I am getting pissed at them. I am not gonna look pathetic here waiting for that guy to take notice of me. It will be his loss. Bye now, peace out!

now what's my problem? i've been eating takoyaki balls for lunch for 2 days in a row. last night i ate kormak chicken at an indian restaurant. frivolous. what i'm going to tell you right now is not about food. you only talk about food and all those little "nonsense" (i brand it nonsense because they are nonsense for me now) when you have bigger pesky issues about yourself. im starting to dislike my job. i earn a lot through it but this is not what can make me happy. the unhappiness that stems from this situation affects the people around me. i don't wanna talk to them. i often get pissed at my boyfriend. he's the shock absorber of all this unhappiness and low self-esteem. i just want to rest. i want to take a break but clearly, i have no money. last night, my bf and i fought and we fought so hard and very hurtful words were said. now i feel so alone. he mentioned all the help that he did (well his mom's help). i want to ask God what is keeping me and him together. we have so many differences and it's painful already. i am resenting him for not being able to fulfill my fantasies of a financially stable guy who can give me all my financial needs. i see him as a failure. GOD i need your help.