What Dreams May Come--the birth of Cece

This is the life that I've always wanted. Having a laptop of my own, sipping caramel macchiato at Starbucks and writing about life--the life of a wannabe. Yes, that's me. I'm so happy that I am in the company of Cece...my new bestfriend--my pink laptop. I've always wanted Cece around so I can write about anything anywhere. I remember the days when I would just write on tissue papers whenever I'm in a coffee shop or a fancy restaurant. This is a vice that I have to myself, writing. It's something that I spend on, a fancy ambience. Now i feel complete...at least almost. Next thing is to have a car then a house. These things can make you feel safe and secure. A car, can make me feel that I would be free from the hassle of carrying my things, the paranoia of thieves, the dangers of walking alone. So let's take it one step at a time... Now that I have a laptop, it won't be impossible to buy a car next. At first I bought a camera then next is this...next is a car... Yes, the next is a car then a house... Hold it... step by step... Life feels different now that Cece is with me... Cece and some money to load her... I'm gonna be oh so fine... Now i can really go full blast in becoming who I really want to be. I want to make a mark in the world. I know it seems idealistic and crappy but that is what I want to do. I want to be known for something--that's me. I'm an achiever. I'm a "Legend" as what this blog says. Who knows? I might be a politician someday. Oh well i tried that before and I was successful. I was a student politician. Still, i can't figure out where I'm gonna focus. All i know is that there should be no time wasted. No time wasted while I'm here abroad. A few months from now, I'm planning to go back home... I'm going to be a newscaster... I'm going to be seen across the country. That is where destiny leads me to... that is where I'm supposed to be.

slut string

is this karma? or am i just a plain fool. just when i started this blog i said i will start with a clean slate and just a few days after, i'm dirty again. it's time to clean up the mess with myself once more. sometimes we just make impulsive decisions for the wrong reasons. i never really liked Abbas. i just used him to make the Mustafa jealous whom I used to make Sajith jealous whom I used to forget about Smith whom I used to forget about Bruno whom I used to forget about Eli whom I just used to have a place to stay in while in another city and whom I used to forget about Joshua whom I used to make Jay jealous whom I used to make JM jealous whom I used to forget about shit, I even forgot his name but he is JM's bestfriend. Before that I had Chite, Jake, who else did I miss? Oh Ralph whom I appreciate his full honesty by just saying what he wants. There is an endless string and now I really found the reason. It's because I didn't pause. I didn't stop loving. Now I feel so drained by years of this string. What do I really want? I mean, just by myself. Who do I really want to be?

magdalene

these days i just want to be alone. it's december 2 and i'm not looking forward to things. next month, it's my birthday and i'm not expecting anything anymore. i am depressed. i am always like this. i just want to go on with my life and not be bothered. maybe so many things happened to me. maybe a lot of hurtful words were said and a lot of actions were done. i don't even want to think about it. i just want to sulk in one corner or talk to my friend or read a book. in short, i'm not on party mode. this not the girl that i am. next month i am turning 27 and still, i am facing issues. issues that i should have left before. now that i am 27, there should be a change with my life. it's low key expectations. it's the unemotional and rightful side that should be there. i used to love parties and in a snap i changed. i was affected by what this person that i rejected said, "that i'm a bitch." there must be a truth in that that's why i'm hurt. he said i'm cheap etc etc. He sacrificed our friendship to tell me his opinion which is a public opinion. yes, i'm a self-confessed hoar and i have to accept that for me to change. i am easy--ouch! i feel so ashamed and at the same time i know i needed to realize this. i feel that i am not worthy of love now, the love that i've been dreaming of. i give in to sex to easily. that's the root cause. now i have a boyfriend and i feel that i don't trust him because at the back of my mind he maybe thinking that i'm not worth it. this has caused me a lot pain and anguish. other people condemning me. i have realized my fault and i own up to my mistakes. i just needed stability, that's it. not fun, not momentary fun but loyalty. it's not marriage but at least there should be respect. i feel so guilty about things. i feel guilt. it is crucifying me. i want to go and leave this place.

sweet

when... will a prince just sweep me off my feet
when i don't know what love is anymore
i don't know when to distinguish
it becomes so blurry
an image of a fancy restaurant and flowers and chocolates
it might never happen for this dire need
i can't explain...

mushy

mushy. that's the perfect word for the perfect me. the nights are cold. it's cold and whenever there are times when you just need to stay put and hug someone and there's no one. it gets colder. it's mush. it's that feeling you share with someone that is very very very addictive. you can really really imagine this so much. it's a drug. and you can kill for this drug for real. it's a constant longing. it's a state of mind yes but its a constant state of mind. imagination.

can you afford to get this baby KILLED?

In a snap GOD made me change my mind from being promiscuous to being extra careful. i can't believe what this girl went through and is going through. men can be so evil! this girl is having her second abortion. she lost her value having known to have 2 kids and now having an abortion while i am taking my chances being carefree (although i recently stopped). this is a woman's issue that is very frightening. very frightening if this ever happens. i swear she should go back to the Lord. Yes this happens all over the world and it is even common here in China but what is common is not necessarily what is right. My god, why do these women take all the risk of having unprotected sex just for a few minutes of pleasure, and it's not even them who is fully pleased! It's the men they sleep with. This is all carelessness and stupidity. It also includes lust.

shapes

since i have tasted men in different sizes and shapes, color, scent, nationality and appeal, i have compared their style, moves, and all.... i already configured which is my type. that was the type i had when i was in high school. tall, muscular, athletic type. when i say tall, i meant six foot and above. tall man means long d***. yes, far and secure, i settle for that. i've tasted men like that and they are my favorite in bed, in public places... for sex and for show. that's how we call it. no guy can ever satisfy me except for those types. apparently, i appeal to them too especially when it comes to coital affairs. sex and love... i seem not to differentiate the too. it is very ideal to love the man your are having sex with. it is a unison. it should coincide with each other, yes. i feally fell in love with this guy named josh. it grew into love because i decided it to be love. i was the one who nursed my feelings for this guy. i was in love and devoted secretly to him since i met him and it was from january to july. this guy cannot be taken seriously because he is a hunk and hunks just jump from one girl to another. you cannot rely on them. they are all just for sex. just for that and there is no substance whatsoever. they are a complete waste of time unless you just want that and you want that collectively.

office

i'm in a boring, plain mode right now. how does it feel to just do office clerical work everyday and wait for the minimum salary every month? plain, steady, boring. like you just live the way others live. you ride going to work, make paper works, go on overtime, speak with people who are also burned out, engage in office gossip, knowing another person's background--oh that one is married, that one is not. he graduated from this lame college. talks about the opposite sex and sex. everything just on the surface. just everyday -- working like robots. there's nothing special with these people or i just can't see it. they are contented with earning, going home to their spouses, paying the bills, looking over their children... a little drinking session here and there... everything is predictable. yes, corporate life is predictable and boring. that i realized. you are simply doing things for the company to profit. it's a capitalist point of view that i want to set myself apart from. at least now i am away from those industries where i can't really learn from. my philosophy is to work for a company that is related to your dream business or at least a feasible business for you in the future. i WAS part of the boring corporate world and i know i'm not part of it. i wanted out! i wanted out! i was screaming for my life! now that i am out i never would like to be in again. if i go to an office, i'll make sure it's mine. it's my own business and my rules are to be followed. well what can i say? that is just my character.

mirror mirror i wish you could lie to me

"Oh my god! Horrible! Why is she doing that? What for?" "She's pathetic." "Horrible. She's chasing after that guy." We all love lurking on what other women do, other women's misfortunes when it comes to men. We would say, "I will never do that," but we would find ourselves doing the act after some time. I encountered a woman here who puts down another woman just to uplift herself. She would spread things about other women just to get attention of men. She focuses a lot on the negatives of another person. Damn. She's obviously so desperate. Now she's devastated because the man of her dreams left her and she's doing everything to get the guy back. Now, I recently found myself in that situation of desperately getting my ex back. That demon! When he saw me happy with other guys he tried to catch my attention. Then he tried to ruin me again. That is all that I will ever think of him, someone to ruin me. Now as I get into my senses more, I realize that I am the one ruining myself by having false hopes. Everything was just my imagination. Every woman just has this imagination running and this assumption that maybe he is like this, maybe he likes me deep inside. Aren't we all just fooling ourselves? Can't we see point blank and try to psychologize about people enough? "Men take what they can get." It is useless to be hopeful unless he proposes marriage and puts things at stake. A man can pretend to love you and even pretend to himself that he loves you all because of sex. We are all confused human beings. That's the story of life. Not everything that will come our way is perfect especially when you deal with people, men in particular.

they're watching you

Can you see the character of the person through the eyes? If you look into these eyes, what do you see?

Well I can see a beautiful woman, sultry, and playful here. How about you?

white

An almost empty white room. That is how i feel like as of the moment. I want to remain pure and chaste. I only have one life to live and I know I must make it right. God. For many people especially in the country where I am in, God is taboo. God does not have anything to do with our affairs. But a voice inside me says that God is the fountain of life and He will give us anything we want as long as we are not creating any harm--harm to our souls even. With being pure and chaste truthfully, not only acting like it, I avoid harm. These past few years I have been blinded by fornication. I have been bouncing back and forth from a dirty and sinful way of life, cleansing, then being dirty again to the point of no return. but i returned, i returned--tired of the immorality blocking my way. now, i can freely write about my experiences as a sinner, hoping that many will learn from it.

i set myself free from that nightmare. yes, maybe we have such a big impact on each other that's why it just sends us the creeps to know about each other suddenly. we are both jealous and we both want to get each other out of our heads. there are people dangerous for you and growth like junk food and cigarette. there are some people who are good for you and they make you grow and have a better disposition. you are the one who creates your own nightmare--as smith said,"don't set yourself up for hurting." i had a warning but i still tried to discover it myself. i've already been suspicious at him before but i ignored it out of a need for someone... just for someone to fill up this loneliness that was not really there and that i have been magnifying all along. i feel fresh and clean with a different outlook that i'm out of the emotional rut-- the neediness. why are we women so needy? perhaps because we are like princesses. we expect a guy to serve us in the end and pamper us and men are the ones doing the work, taking responsibility. men are the warriors and the hunters so we shouldn't care about them that much.

painful on the chest

nobody is taking a look at my blog. fine. i got to have followers. it takes time for people to appreciate what you have to say. my life is empty. it's all a mess, a bore. i'm looking for something to inspire me and keep me going but all i could think of is heroine. heroine and just heroine. i haven't taken heroine but it might keep me alive. my soul is dead. dead. sleepy. mourning like the winter. what is life for? what is my life for? i am of no use. last night i spent time with someone i want to have a relationship with again here in this foreign country. he is african--my dark chocolate baby. i went hysterical again when a girl called her, another chinese gullible girl. she chases after him along with many others aspiring to be his lover. he in return comes and flirts with these girls. for what? for sex maybe. but no, that is not what he wants. that is not what people want. people want true love. true love--a one and only love. ultimate. satisfying. that is also what i want and for that i will be saving myself for that one true love. it will come. my partner in life will come. do you know the feeling of waiting? it's excruciatingly painful. it's painful on the chest.

loneliness

it creeps like drugs. it consumes you. it just comes and you can't be proud of it. you feel all alone in this feeling. no one to talk to about it because this is grief. this is not meant to be spread. it looks like there's nothing wrong but there's something wrong. your heart is a balloon with nothing inside but air. it leaves you empty. and every fucking day you live that emptiness. you forget about the emptiness once in a while but it's there and it will always be there. you try to cover it up with temporary things but still its going nowhere.
i called someone. my ex. things are uncertain. but at least there's someone. how could it be that a person can make you happy? if we come to think of it, people make us happy. knowing that you are important for someone makes you happy. sometimes though, we are stuck with ourselves and we can't avoid that. tonight i will give my ex a present. something symbolic like a heart made of something. wood is good because it lasts for long time. plus, it's my sun sign. end of loneliness.

one of my happiest days

this is one of my happiest days... i finally got a nice blog. i'm gonna make it great for you dear readers.