someone special

i don't know what we have and sometimes i get bothered that i don't want to continue seeing him. i always listen to him because he's one of the most honest men i have ever met. he tells me exactly what is good for me. i may not understand at first, but he is dead serious about things, very selfless and just plain honest. he was my first boyfriend here in china. it happened fast, yes (everything happens fast). we first had a conversation/date one afternoon. i just wanted to date, yes, to forget about someone i left in the philippines. there's a feeling of comfort when we talked and it makes me feel like i can tell this person anything. and so i did, from that time on, i did. all that honesty made him closer to me. i didn't want anything serious at first, but to fill my time, i just accepted him as my boyfriend. i know he really likes me, really. i realized my bad character looking back at what happened to us. my suspiscions and cynicism especially about men, and the fear that they will just cheat on me ruined us. many things happened for the wrong reasons. i cheated on him, yes. and now i cheat with him. for the fear of getting hurt again, he did not accept me anymore as a girlfriend, but i cried, i really missed him. i wanted to marry him. he was someone so composed and he just inspires me to pursue what i had to pursue. in short, he gives me strength and encouragement. i will always have him in my heart. i will never forget him. months passed and i got over him through many distractions, many small sweet nothings i had with other men. though no matter where i went, we would see each other once in a blue moon, make love, and talk. then someone came along, a new person who owed to the responsibilities of a true boyfriend. i was at peace. i did not need him anymore. things changed. on new year's eve, his countrymate who is a friend of my boyfriend, just led me to where he was sitting in the bar. there was a slight feeling, a good one. then life went on. i didn't care. then we started chatting again, friendly. then when i had a new apartment, he started visiting me and yes, we would make love. we have such a strong sexual chemistry. or is it just me, helpless and lonely? in the fear of being alone, yes i entertained him. it started with that reason, but he always leaves me a good feeling. his pleasantness, calmness, leaves a trace, an influence. and the way he puts his heart into having sex with me, pleasing me ruthlessly, you would never have a clue that he is that same soft-spoken man. people are really different and you can compare. my boyfriend is childish, immature and because he is, i am gravitating towards this guy who is calm and mature in his ways. when he was still my boyfriend, he would also have his flaws, i was then, possessive of his time and he wants some time by himself and with his friends, just some balance. i wouldn't want him back as a boyfriend because of these issues. the setting right now is unconventional. i have my boyfriend and i am seeing another guy. the relationships we have with different people are unique. we need each one of them in a unique way as much as they need us. we cannot be exclusive as much as we can't be exclusive with just one friend. we are all moving creatures, it all depends on the situation, the need.

ang gulo ng isip m! (ur mind is not clear)

what keeps me awake at night is the thought of where i really want to be. i am a 27 year old confused woman who has nothing else but ambition in life but can't really figure out what it is. Yes, I am contented in this loft and i do feel like i'm living a posh life in this posh condo right in the heart of Wuchang District, Wuhan City, China. the only thing uncool is, my job. i'm an english teacher and what could be boring than that. i'm honestly overqualified for this post since I've been working in multinational companies in the philippines. i never pictured myself staying in the classroom and talking to stupid chinese college students all day, using the chalk and talking about anything, the mundane facts of life. i shifted from education to another course because i wanted to be popular, i wanted to be a news anchor, a newscaster, a talk show host. isn't that a completely high and idealistic job?? that was my first choice, "mass communication", but where are the mass comm graduates that i know of? they are doing all that behind the scenes thing that i am NOT into. duh. i want to be seen on tv you know. i'm a showbiz personality by nature. 'showbiz' as what my uncle used to call me when i was younger. jesus christ where the hell is my life going? i better go home. i can't wait to save. shit. no wonder my uncle got disappointed with me. ang gulo nga ng isip ko.

solitude

I live near the mountains, in Central China. Many people are in awe of this country. I live on the 24F of a hi-rise building. The furniture that I have is mostly green. They say green is the favorite color of the geniuses. I'm sitting on an apple green chair, to my left, a green shelf. Oh I didn't really recognize that there is, in fact, a plant that I just watered because I saw that it is turning yellow. Geez... Plants, nature, they symbolize beauty. The serenity, solitude, it's beautiful... to be alone... to be at peace with yourself without people to make life complicated, it's a dream come true. Seclusion, when people can't see you personally or when you choose when to or not to communicate, or who to communicate with at a certain time of the day,is actually a blessing. You have a certain gut feel about a person and you know that. Being away from them is relaxing. In this chapter of my life I learned something about myself. I am happy that I discovered something new again so that next time I may be able to avoid things that can devastate me. I just know now that I value privacy a lot, that I can't share a house with someone except maybe if I get a husband. I'm growing old and I have led a disastrous life, leaving a job for instance once I don't get what I want. I was about to make the same mistake a few days ago. Impulsive.

dream solutions

I can't believe how vivid things are in dreams. I woke up again aghast of my dream last night where i was back in the philippines and it was a job offer day where they are offering me just a very small salary. i remember, P20,000 then it says, plus transportation and food allowance. no, i can't accept that bullcrap. if i go back to the philippines and receive that kind of salary, what will happen of me? from that, i guess i will put a halt on going back first.

im flip

i don't want this. i get pissed off with how he treats me and i want to stop. i can't stop because i'm living with him and i hate having a flatmate. everybody irritates me. my cousin is here and he is just the one to irritate me. i don't like them. there are people i like, there are people i don't like. i want to be with my family and celebrate things with them. i want to eat in fancy restaurants with them riding my new car. it's purple. it takes money to have that. anyway, i don't know. i tend to like people who are classy and sophisticated. no, sometimes i get along with others. i don't know. there are just some people that i don't like, maybe people who i sense do not have the vibes i like. i hate brashness. i don't know i am confused. i am irritable. now i feel irritated because of the guy i am living with. i am not in my right mind. i feel ugly. i need a change of surroundings.

money or craft

i can't wait to go back to the philippines. this is just not working for me. ok i got the experience of working abroad and that was it. aren't dreams a symbol of your desires? i always dream of my director, lav diaz. he was sitting in a cafe in alabang town center, hanging out with people from the industry. i just appeared there and told them that i can make it for another movie, that i, in fact, can ditch my contract to go and shoot for another movie. and then, i'm going back to china but looking forward to that movie when i go back. it's just a few months before i go back. but how will life be when i go back? it's the same old confusion. it's the same old rummage, uncertainty. if i stay here, i will just die of depression and the desire to go back. i need a sign. money or craft?

my husband

i live with a monkey. hahaha. i call him chama chama. now he is tucked inside the bed biting his lips, staring at the foot of the bed like. now he turns his head, looks at me, blinks his eyes and bites his lips again. now he yawns, shakes his legs and plays with his lips-making the brrbrr sound. i say "chama chama" he looks at me with his tired eyes and says, "chama chama" then plays with his mouth, makes the 'brr-brr' sound again. he gets bored, gets his cellphone and calls someone, he yawns. ah! my monkey speaks french, "je me fatigue. je prepar le mange."-i am tired. i prepared dinner. and he spoke to me, "finish what you are doing. i want to watch a movie."