What Dreams May Come--the birth of Cece

This is the life that I've always wanted. Having a laptop of my own, sipping caramel macchiato at Starbucks and writing about life--the life of a wannabe. Yes, that's me. I'm so happy that I am in the company of Cece...my new bestfriend--my pink laptop. I've always wanted Cece around so I can write about anything anywhere. I remember the days when I would just write on tissue papers whenever I'm in a coffee shop or a fancy restaurant. This is a vice that I have to myself, writing. It's something that I spend on, a fancy ambience. Now i feel complete...at least almost. Next thing is to have a car then a house. These things can make you feel safe and secure. A car, can make me feel that I would be free from the hassle of carrying my things, the paranoia of thieves, the dangers of walking alone. So let's take it one step at a time... Now that I have a laptop, it won't be impossible to buy a car next. At first I bought a camera then next is this...next is a car... Yes, the next is a car then a house... Hold it... step by step... Life feels different now that Cece is with me... Cece and some money to load her... I'm gonna be oh so fine... Now i can really go full blast in becoming who I really want to be. I want to make a mark in the world. I know it seems idealistic and crappy but that is what I want to do. I want to be known for something--that's me. I'm an achiever. I'm a "Legend" as what this blog says. Who knows? I might be a politician someday. Oh well i tried that before and I was successful. I was a student politician. Still, i can't figure out where I'm gonna focus. All i know is that there should be no time wasted. No time wasted while I'm here abroad. A few months from now, I'm planning to go back home... I'm going to be a newscaster... I'm going to be seen across the country. That is where destiny leads me to... that is where I'm supposed to be.

slut string

is this karma? or am i just a plain fool. just when i started this blog i said i will start with a clean slate and just a few days after, i'm dirty again. it's time to clean up the mess with myself once more. sometimes we just make impulsive decisions for the wrong reasons. i never really liked Abbas. i just used him to make the Mustafa jealous whom I used to make Sajith jealous whom I used to forget about Smith whom I used to forget about Bruno whom I used to forget about Eli whom I just used to have a place to stay in while in another city and whom I used to forget about Joshua whom I used to make Jay jealous whom I used to make JM jealous whom I used to forget about shit, I even forgot his name but he is JM's bestfriend. Before that I had Chite, Jake, who else did I miss? Oh Ralph whom I appreciate his full honesty by just saying what he wants. There is an endless string and now I really found the reason. It's because I didn't pause. I didn't stop loving. Now I feel so drained by years of this string. What do I really want? I mean, just by myself. Who do I really want to be?

magdalene

these days i just want to be alone. it's december 2 and i'm not looking forward to things. next month, it's my birthday and i'm not expecting anything anymore. i am depressed. i am always like this. i just want to go on with my life and not be bothered. maybe so many things happened to me. maybe a lot of hurtful words were said and a lot of actions were done. i don't even want to think about it. i just want to sulk in one corner or talk to my friend or read a book. in short, i'm not on party mode. this not the girl that i am. next month i am turning 27 and still, i am facing issues. issues that i should have left before. now that i am 27, there should be a change with my life. it's low key expectations. it's the unemotional and rightful side that should be there. i used to love parties and in a snap i changed. i was affected by what this person that i rejected said, "that i'm a bitch." there must be a truth in that that's why i'm hurt. he said i'm cheap etc etc. He sacrificed our friendship to tell me his opinion which is a public opinion. yes, i'm a self-confessed hoar and i have to accept that for me to change. i am easy--ouch! i feel so ashamed and at the same time i know i needed to realize this. i feel that i am not worthy of love now, the love that i've been dreaming of. i give in to sex to easily. that's the root cause. now i have a boyfriend and i feel that i don't trust him because at the back of my mind he maybe thinking that i'm not worth it. this has caused me a lot pain and anguish. other people condemning me. i have realized my fault and i own up to my mistakes. i just needed stability, that's it. not fun, not momentary fun but loyalty. it's not marriage but at least there should be respect. i feel so guilty about things. i feel guilt. it is crucifying me. i want to go and leave this place.