magdalene

these days i just want to be alone. it's december 2 and i'm not looking forward to things. next month, it's my birthday and i'm not expecting anything anymore. i am depressed. i am always like this. i just want to go on with my life and not be bothered. maybe so many things happened to me. maybe a lot of hurtful words were said and a lot of actions were done. i don't even want to think about it. i just want to sulk in one corner or talk to my friend or read a book. in short, i'm not on party mode. this not the girl that i am. next month i am turning 27 and still, i am facing issues. issues that i should have left before. now that i am 27, there should be a change with my life. it's low key expectations. it's the unemotional and rightful side that should be there. i used to love parties and in a snap i changed. i was affected by what this person that i rejected said, "that i'm a bitch." there must be a truth in that that's why i'm hurt. he said i'm cheap etc etc. He sacrificed our friendship to tell me his opinion which is a public opinion. yes, i'm a self-confessed hoar and i have to accept that for me to change. i am easy--ouch! i feel so ashamed and at the same time i know i needed to realize this. i feel that i am not worthy of love now, the love that i've been dreaming of. i give in to sex to easily. that's the root cause. now i have a boyfriend and i feel that i don't trust him because at the back of my mind he maybe thinking that i'm not worth it. this has caused me a lot pain and anguish. other people condemning me. i have realized my fault and i own up to my mistakes. i just needed stability, that's it. not fun, not momentary fun but loyalty. it's not marriage but at least there should be respect. i feel so guilty about things. i feel guilt. it is crucifying me. i want to go and leave this place.