Let's Drink to That!

Life is measured by every cent and it takes a lot of creativity to endure its different swirls. Living and loving every moment and turning nothing into haste and waste will push you to step forward in life. Life is short and we must savor every minute of it and put it to good use to advance ourselves with or without others. Being dependent on others is such a waste of time. It can lead to frustration, and sometimes that frustration turns to insanity. So just live within the means -- may it be monetary or interpersonal. Each one of us have different challenges to face everyday. Each has their own needs. There is a need to be alone, a need to find a means of living, a need to learn a skill, a need to be with someone for a particular point in time and a particular kind of someone. It takes consensus, an agreement between two parties if they both feel the need to be with each other. Nothing is an obligation. We have no obligations at all. You are not obliged to be with your wife everyday, you are not obliged to be with your friends every weekend. These are just ways of living that without critical thinking, we do follow, thus, blind obedience. Frustration comes when we expect the other person to act a certain way because that is our OWN perception as to how a person should act and we base it not on the person itself but according to our past experiences and label it a "should be" or a "standard" in lay man's term. Happiness comes from low-key expectations according to the bulgy man named Budd.. who respects all the 'animates'. Let's drink to that!

BACK to BASICS

travezza coffee legazpi village. just ordered brewed coffee which is the least of my favorites. why because its the cheapest on the menu - P65.

what a messy life. messy expenses. have u ever tried 1-2-3? to educate u guys, 1-2-3 is a method of survival when ur fare going home is 60 bucks but because u only have 40 bucks in ur wallet, u skip paying the jeepney praying that the driver won't notice. it can also be considered a method of acting, improvisation brought about by the situation. it must be my looks. i dont look impoverished because of my chubbiness and my fake oversized pearl earrings. i also tried to act like im lost and i dont know directions so when its time to get off, i pretend like i rode the wrong jeepney. i act like im so new to the place and i dont know how to commute much. wa-ha-ha-ha-ha.
tootoot! there's a text msg from a gay friend who suddenly became so interested in meeting me up tonight because i said im going to meet up with basketball playerS and they have big dicks not to worry. speaking of, i just had one of the worst make out sessions in my life and its with the bestfriend of my ex-boyfriend. "bestfriend and the boyfriend" i hear chuck's famous phrase of gossipgirl. this "thing" has been going on since last year. he's my official "beneficial friend". it's called "friendly mercy fuck". and what i hate the most is that, besides it being something out of boredom. miranda hobbes is that u?
boom! someone by the name kuwait who is staying in kuwait disrupted my thought process so im sorry to cut or talk on the worst making our scenarios. it suddenly shifted to something else. ayt, he just bye bye because he's gonna say his "jumma prayer" whatever that is. pest! disturbance! just like a chatmate i have who prays then masturbates. duh!
god, these people. but im surely guilty myself of something like that. after a boisterous act with a fling. we heard mass. wwwwhat is that?
which leads to the question, "is pre-marital sex a sin?" i didnt mean to sound too orthodox but what is sin about that if ur not hurting anyone? if ur sacrificing a lot bec of it, taking things for granted, lying, being irresponsible because of it, then that's sin. but if it's fun with SINGLE people just like u, then why not?

and then again. she falls... not for a man but for a false job whatsoever. accepting it itself was already crazy enough. now she suffers as she can't even satisfy her small cravings of KFC. there is thirst, thirst of even the smallest cravings of french fries. breathe in, breathe out. she can't even do. she knocks on her head off and realizes her mistake. the impulsiveness of leaving China. sigh... as she knows not what to do next. GOD... is all i could think of. look at the people around, do u think they are experiencing the same sadness? sadness caused by confusion. what can be more dragging than being confused. the world is currently changing and i am confused. jaded in my own ways. how do u feel? do u feel about me? will there be light at the end of the tunnel? all she could see is emptiness, emptiness of the pockets. i sigh a choco peanutbutter caramel feeling. so heavy. i can almost feel the trunks of trees falling down on me. what makes me more and more sad is the feeling that i have to fight it. it's because i just can't. the exact feeling of loneliness is like u are wanting to get out of it. i dont want to go to the office anymore. i dont wanna see their faces anymore. i want to ESCAPE. i dont want it anymore. i dont want it. close my eyes, dreaming. and i see 40 thousand bucks at the palm of my hand. what am i doing? back in china. look... at... that. look what has happened to me now. but something tells me that maybe there is something else better for me and yes, that is the caregiver job in another country. i checked out the website and it is endearing. christina--finally in the US. i will just visit them my fellow cousins. i just left my laptop and they were not looking after the laptop. that was scary. i dont wanna leave this place yet. for real. i dont wanna go home and find myself alone and thinking. im waiting for someone. im waiting for joel because i cant talk to anyone else but him.

here we go again with the daydreams

before i distract myself to oblivion, let me just relay what just happened, what is happening and how do i feel. with the runny nose that i have, it's easy to be irritated by what you hear and what you see. let me shun myself out by playing music, eh i changed my mind. i heard the woman from Union Jack Tavern say, "iced tea lang yan e". saying that i will order only iced tea. i'm guilty about that fact that i'm not ordering more because i just wanna be true to myself, true to be a middle-earning proletariat. what if i only order iced tea or cappuccino? at least i'm a regular, right? damn this inequality in customer service, phils. but what do i expect. i am, in the philippines, where good artists are born because of the tragedy they have everyday. all the pretentions and the coping will really make you go bonkers and will make you come rush and write down all the rants and raves you have, making you a tragedienne. Jessica Zafra maybe one but she hides under being mad than sad. my day-to-day experiences leading me to daydream and fight for a better tomorrow (i.e. riding a jeepney from laguna to alabang, sweaty, holding the pee, carrying so many things, feeling claustrophobic) can make you mad. mad. that is the word. like you just wanna shout and say, "i hate being a commoner!" or "why can't i be rich NOW!" oh gawd! i swear my feelings are so drastic. this is because of having a runny nose. like you just wanna rummage through things. it's 7:55pm and i am again alone in the cafe. how i wish i have all the material things i need. i want a car and a comfortable house to be in. i want all those financial luxuries all to myself. all i have now are temporary luxuries and when i say temporary, just a span of a few hours. i want a studio-type apartment like what i used to have in china. it's so cool, calm, and collected. now i'm at a place like blue sky. it's called union jack tavern. i so miss my grandpa. im sure that if he's here, he would be taking me here. he would be taking care of a girl like me with a runny nose. i'm not ready for poverty, i am not. and a simple life i have. let me take a look at houses of celebrities... i cant seem to find any. maybe i dont have the 'searching patience' because of my runny nose. i am presently daydreaming of a rich and comfortable life, a place conducive for solitary ... voom! here goes carrie's apartment like some premonition of sorts. the design of the apartment is laid out as, "a person who lives with words on a daily basis" am i not a person like that that's why i can't resist spending just for internet access? it's 9:11 pm and i would be doing the same exact thing in China just in case im there. living in the surreal world. im getting the hang of it.

the inspiration gotten from the tarot card reader

The universe will conspire with what you need. I just consulted a tarot reader and here's what the card says: that it will be tough with the 1st month of this new job because i won't be happy that much. that should just focus on what's going to make my life better. that this love of mine is the sugar daddy who will support me. and that i am going to be famous in this field, showbiz. as what i said, ask. believe. receive. stardom. sleep with the scriptwriter. what movie is best for me. it is going to be a sexy movie for a sexy woman like me. beautiful. the card says many will admire me. what strikes me the most is the lover that i never expected. it says, 'he's a very loving guy. he will support you.' this place perhaps is my destiny. the philippines. financial woes will be solved. just focus. that's the magic word that tarot reader mentioned. focus. the world will be yours. i am good with making decisions. life is pretty simple. you just have to know what you want. dont be too jealous. believe in him. love him. trust him. he has good intentions. joel... God... i have faith in God. everything will be good. i will have projects here and there. in acting. in shooting. my beauty will grace the roads of manila. like a new sex symbol. underwear model. bags. and all i have to do is to indulge in mind, body, and spiritual healing. summoning the spirits of goodness... knowing the inner truth of things rather than the tangible incongruencies of the world. bringing beauty and wisdom to the world and not kept uptight by societies demands. i'll bring color to your world and the life and the color i will bring will delight your senses as you savour every bit of me with your five senses. the array of our lives will make you and me whole. live and let live. and we will advocate love, joy, and peace throughout the world. with unwavering trust in LOVE itself and all the good things. you and me shall be king and queen. the distance between us will not hinder us from the happiness that we so want to share. we will change the world. we will change lives. we will introduce disconformity. our passion will pave roads for us. never to worry about money anymore. because the world will depend on us. the world will depend on this co-habitation of sorts. you and me and a lot of killing spree... and a lot of killing spree... and they will die so we can suck their blood without resist. let them die and death shall be. no one will live but the powers that be. where did this come from? it's the deep desire the resist conformity. so it's done. so i should consider it done. there is fire.

of love and expectations

it's in the air everywhere. what the hell? been singing 'groovy kind of love' song over and over and over. intense. searched his name on google. searched his schools and more background on google. now what the hell is this? him playing in the football field of my mind seems tireless. the disappointment in his voice when i wanted to break up brings me some reassurance. when you think of reasons behind decisions, you'll understand. i wanted to break up last night because of intense feelings and fear of disappointment. "it wasn't intentional," he said. yes it wasn't but the fact still remains that he made a mistake of not calling me and i was disappointed. i kinda' set the standards to resolve everything. from now on, no more promises... everything should be spontaneous. i'm not waiting for his call anymore. i think things will really change as what i told him especially now that i'll be working on my dream industry. daily routines will change. i will be meeting more people. but knowing me? when i fall in love, i am loyal. capricorns are loyal anyway. i really feel triumphant that he doesn't want to give up when i was ready to. it's a long distance love affair so the only basis is the way we get in touch with one another. no expectations. when one misses another, they just go ahead and call. no more saying, "i'll call you in ten minutes.." "i'll call you when i get home." whatever whatever. just call when you want to. you don't have to promise anything. just go! anthony (a present colleague) told me, "the problem with you is that you are emotionally volatile." he forgot to mention that i take things so personally all the time. onion-skinned.

sssh computer!

shush! computer don't make a sound... i'm sneaking out and pretending to be busy with something when i'm busy with something ELSE. i'm at a call center again. boring cc. boring call center world where we have a luxury of computers, headphones and airconditioning. since when did this freaky industry come about? since when did people get fond of this call center thingy. oh god, i raise my head and i see people so robotic. 2 americans training these people blah blah blah... that is their job anyway. i just can't understand how they stand this industry. well, seems like not everyone thinks the same way as i do. and most people would just work to get by and earn errr the other way around. it's capitalism and materialism that rules now and everything is some sort of a business. your time is getting paid by the hour making sure you serve the company. we are all servants. slaves. what are my qualms? everybody's working. you do things every single day and it is modified. modified according to what you have to do. money is everything right now and we are all scared to lose our jobs because we fear lack of money. the progression of my own goals requires money. money comes when you find what you really really want. on monday i will have a chance to get a job that i dream of. there is a steady income with it plus i am interested in what i'll be doing.... i'm trying to figure out really what i'm supposed to do. it has something to do commercials and stuff. my clients are advertising agencies. i'm going to arrange everything for them. with production and stuff. am i that responsible. oh well at least it's something that can draw me closer to showbiz. i'm gonna get the experience i need with this. i am honestly clueless. let me check out what it's all about by reviewing the job description once more.

the sad vibes

it comes when you are about to lose money. you don't have savings. you hate ur job. you have no choice. life is not getting where you want it to be. you are questioning your existence and the reason why you are not moving forward in life. why, at the age of 27, am i still unhappy with what i am doing? i should have at least a car right now. i'm getting older with no direction, so it seems. i want and i need a direction. now i am channeling DIVINE INTERVENTION. i'm going to rise up from these adversities. could it just be the weather or the money i have or the lack of? it is largely because of my job considering that i am a career person and it's in my nature to be really 101% with it. impatient. yes, adrian my friend (a batchmate of mine who got closer to me thru facebook). i am impatient with my life as i expect something perfect from it. the thing is i have a choice. i have talent. i just need to determine where. i need to stick to something. i know i want to be well-known for something and i wanna be perceived in a certain kind of way. a colleague of mine said a while ago, "you're too emotional." what he does not know is that i am just lonely, uncontented with my life right now that's why i appear melancholic.

it changed?

it completely changed. i have a fleety feeling. this came so unexpectedly like it was written in the stars. so in the middle of nowhere, in a bright sunny afternoon at alabang, i decided not to give up applying until i find a job. then just like that, i went inside a building called "firstsource". desperate for a job, i went inside, applied and asked the first point of contact which is the receptionist if i can walk-in as an applicant. i don't know anything then about the company but in less than a week, they hired me as a trainer. that's because of my scholastic record and employment history. alas! indians again! a female indian as my boss. felt the real pressure then since she seems always in a rush. she's that type of worker. plus, we need to get things done and impress the client. it's a pioneering batch that we are going to handle so with their presence, you just have to make the best impression. that's the feeling that i hate myself. the feeling that i am working hard to 'perfume my name'. if i want to make it good, it's because it's my own business. my boss in sitel was right. that idiot ej, at least, was good in diagnosing his people at least. that i carry this 'pride' thing? he was right about that. and that i am so tired of this 'rat race' that i don't believe in naturally. i'm on my own like a businesswoman. that's the only focus that i have on my mind right about now. not to rise or compete with others just to be on top but to have something "on my own" that at least i am sure about.
so i jumped right off the bat to this job for money and by the way, they still haven't identified me since stuff like birth certificate, nbi clearance, certificates of employment, and even diplomas haven't been submitted. they couldn't validate if what i said was true or not. they don't have a proof about me and they have all the right to be doubtful. but what do i do? i need the money, my family needs the money. the company needs a trainer so. here am i writing a blog inside the training room when everbody else is doing something else, concentrating on product training. i don't actually have to have training since i belong to "pre-process" or communication skills. at first i didn't see the reason why the hell should i sit in here but now, it like benefits me since the boss mr joel madtha and maninder something something, both indians, are staying near my workplace and i didn't want to lie to myself by acting like i'm so busy with work when i do not. when i go out of this room, i so know what to tell them, that we talked about disputes and terms and if they want me to formulate scenarios, i can use my stock knowledge as a financial product services. card activation, change info, authotized user, raise credit limit, check balance, inquiries on fees, lah dih dah... balance transfer, payment over the phone... enuf.. but come to think of it, it's useful knowledge on ur daily existence which is highly dependent on structures, cash. one which is inevitable. residual balance, i got a residue of complication everyday. i better be in the advertising industry or i'm gonna get crazy. next week, i might just get what i was daydreaming about. it's the makati scene and advertising and all that stuff. now that i am working hand in hand with foreigners, i know the feeling. they still look down on filipinos and there are still side comments on whatever we do. those condescending brats! they all feel like we can't perform well or something. am i proud to be a filipino? i am not. and it's so unfair for us. it's so much better to have your own business and not work for anyone else. talking about pride again. pride. i bet you, it's all about the money. if i am a filipino woman with a lot of money and i walk around the streets of milan, they will still look down on me. now it retribute my statement. i'd rather be in china where everyone is stupid. nah. or maybe i'd rather be here in the philippines? no, in the US! a strong hold on human rights. it's a 'salad bowl' where everyone is imposed as equal. right. and basing on my presentation on us economy, female, asian are the most in demand when it comes to the employment hiring.

to do

i'm going to brainstorm on what to do on my last days in china that i don't have money.

1) recording my voice

2) write a short story

3) paint

4) watch movies

5) watch sex and the city? i've been watching it all my life and whenever i get bored. sex and the city is my life. i remember when i was relocated in cebu, i watched this when i was alone. i wasn't happy back there. for real. i was lost.
as i watch sex and the city now, i could see the abortion issue. miranda hobbes was contemplating about abortion. well, if you are in that age (35). i don't think you should consider abortion. as for my age, i should. i still should. unless, of course, i am happily married.

6) chatting with my bf in french. oh my boyfriend. someone i could really really depend on. he really loves me. i'm at the sex and the city episode where carrie saw the engagement ring aidan was supposed to give her. she wasn't ready. what was she looking for? at 35?

richard wright: "who needs a wife when you have a life?"
this is sad. i respect everyone's differences but this is a sad truth for people nowadays. they are getting more and more individualistic. they can take being single for life. ok, so lord knows how many times i have cheated on my boyfriend or will cheat more but it's not hurting him anyway. what's worse? having multiple unserious relationships or cheating? when i find out that he is cheating on me, at this point, i can't say i can break up with him. our relationship has been solidified by hardships and trials. we can depend on each other. it's not anymore an "i". it's a "we" and we know that. being married is actually easier on the budget. instead of living separate lives which means separate expenses, it's going to be combined which will be easier. thou shalt pick the right man. and that for me, is my future husband-bajo. he maybe african (coming from a third world country) but his character is perfect for me: hardworking, ambitious, and not a cheater. he's perfect and i love him!

life

it's ten am and i'm right here sitting on the bed. these are my last days and God knows what else may happen. not so long ago, i slept with this guy i so had a connection with, you know, the one from india. in just a few days i will be out of this place. i will move on again to the next stage of my life. i am growing old and am still struggling to be where i want to be. i'm working on it right now. going back to the philippines is another chapter of my life. some people think that money is the most important thing but nothing can't beat my passion. i'm going back to the philippines to continue my passion for the arts and communication. i want to be seen. i want to be famous and that is one deeper reason for me to go back. i'd rather earn average and do something i am passionate about than being somewhere earning above average, not knowing why i'm doing such. unlike most filipinas here who went abroad who just came here in search of greener pastures i came here for the travel. but money is not all. money is just money and if you are not happy with what you are doing, money can't do anything about that. i strongly believe in that. as for me, i have to fulfill my destiny, my destiny to be famous, be significant this world. that is why i am a 'wannabe'. nothing can pull me down. it's just GOD. and GOD wants me to live my life according to my full potential.

chase me

i keep on living this dangerous life. it's dangerous to make love with him and i knew that. i still did. it's part of my earthly delights and my travel finale. i've made love (aka had sex) with different guys before but it's different when you've got attraction. it's a strong attraction coupled with his moves, his kisses. things that i can't forget. he's indian. his eyes are so hypnotic. whenever i have sex with an indian, i get carried away. i am carried away now and i am doing the opposite...
i logged on to facebook, changed my profile picture et voila! my new profile pic is the one with my boyfriend. it's a defense mechanism. i even did not text him. when i like someone, the more i don't show it. i live in a lie. everything is a lie. i conceal it with a lie to protect myself. that's how i am. that's how i survive.
im not like other girls who will chase him. i'll prove him wrong. he will chase me.

common sense

i got a habit of looking at facebook so much that it shapes my decision, my life. i'm so confused. i don't know what to do anymore. should i stay or should i go. what is the guarantee that if i go back to my country, i will have a better chance in life, in the future? is there such a surefire way to be successful? i'm obsessed about success that it feels so far away. look at me, a 27 year old woman who is definitely a certified 'wannabe', a certified stupid coward who is not getting ahead in life. being very fatalistic can make you a failure. being all talk and no act can make you really frustrated. jesus christ i am so frustrated in my life. what the hell am i doing in china? what the hell am i doing with my life? i just feel so uncertain and i feel that i need to pick up the broken pieces when i go back to my country you know. i feel that i failed. i failed to bring in the money that i should be bringing. i failed and it's what pains me. it's what is keeping me awake until now--5am. where did my career go? i thought i had it before but nothing happened. but thank God i got to travel and i got to make those movies which i really wanted to do. life is so imperfect and it is never predictable. it is never predictable. when i go back, i'm going to where i used to be but i'm moving forward. stepping behind while moving forward? this is excruciating. i thought i should be leading a straight path? i didn't. everything seemed successful and rich in our school before. what happened to me? everybody fuckin' got where they want to be(well, it seems) but still, i am in a crisis. OK I'M REALLY GOING BACK TO THE PHILIPPINES. ayoko na magpaapekto sa sasabihin ng ibang tao. i'm going to reach for my dreams. i cant take this frustration anymore. i better stop that habit of comparing my life to other people's lives. fuck facebook. fuck friendster. fuck this envy. those sites are only about showing off where you are in life right now. i don't live for other people. fuck i dont want to be confused anymore. i have my email ad and people will just reach me whenever they want. i have to stop the habit. stop the envy habit. this guy i'm sleeping with told me something very very remarkable. he said,"everything that happens in my life is my responsibility." fuck. and even another guy whom i was open to last time told me that i am a confused person, confused individual. i remember it clearly, when i asked, "can i be a businesswoman?" he said, "no, you can never be a businesswoman because you are a confused person." it shook me and until now it is, indeed, shaking me. what was i thinking? do i lack common sense? God, do I lack common sense?

plot man

something stops me from that decision of going back. it's an affair. i can't think logically now. i've been fooled or whatever. he's sleeping and snorring on my bed right now. why is finding men so easy here for me? it's easy to find a man, establish a 'connection' (i think establishing a connection can be a skill now for me). i feel like i got swayed a little bit by the charm of this guy who captured me by his honesty and of course the way he appreciates my beauty. the cynic in me tells me that yeah right, it's just a plot. but for a guy whose got the girls going gaga over him, how can he still be making that 'plot'? so shit, something tells me to stay and that something is just foolish voice inside of me. could he be that sign that i'm looking for? i need more signs

friendly sex

sex and friendship don't really match you know. there's no such thing as 'friends with benefits'. there is attraction between friends but when you cross the boundaries it will feel different, you know. there's jealousy, there's confusion. it's different when you have sex with someone. no matter how cool you seem or how open you are, you still had it. you still did the deed, something you do to for lust or for love but not as a friendly activity. for the hell of being trisexual, i tried becoming friends with someone i was attracted to and someone i had sex with. it didn't work out you know. he called me 'bess' but no, i just felt cheated. this is crazy. i had this guy whom i call 'brother'. for years i treated him as a younger brother then something came up, we were never the same again. there's this guy that i intended to be my friend at first, we ended up having sex then boom! i became attached. he sort of became attached. i proposed a relationship, he rejected, i felt bad. it was over. i never spoke to him again.

bringing the positive vibe again

this week i have to indulge in the senses so much. in a few days, my sex and the city life will be over. i have to choose between having this much of a freedom in my cozy apartment or having a chance in that career that i'm aiming for. both can help me self-actualize. this is me. i love this space. listening to sex and the city conversation, having a posh lifestyle, writing about it, living like 'carrie'. we all have this particular lifestyle that we ideally want. for me, having this kind of income suits me the most. you know, i just hate my job. the only thing that i love about this is that i have a lot of free time. i dread mondays and thursdays because i get stuck in that fucking university. shit. i really really hate that job. i'm fucking not a teacher at all! i just can't stand it, to be honest. i have a dichotomy. i'm gonna have it back in the philippines and i'm positive about that!

rElaTionshIps

i am human again and i am going to write about human issues like relationships for instance. when i turned my pc on, the yahoo topic about relationships just popped out blasting on my face. it's about happy couples--how couples stay happy and all. i grew up believing the fact that men can look at other women. men can and will cheat at one point in time. it's a fear that i still can't get rid of. it's a fear and at the same time, an acceptance of reality. no love is enough and i know that from what i have observed. men will always always hunt for seemingly unattainable creatures. once you become always available, it will be different. women are such beautiful creatures and their physical structure is so addictive to look at. to observe them, to smell, kiss, and caress their bodies (not body) is so tempting. its fascinating to date women and not exclusively date. this is, of course, not leaning towards something romantic. it's intellectual. it's like a study of different women. women are more interesting than men because we can be interested in what men are interested in but there are more interests that men don't get into that women do. it's so fun to see women and to know about them. i used to have crushes in girls when i was in high school but its just to get an idea on my own identity.
oh well, there's no one way to keep a man because you should not keep him anyway. he should keep you.

The Daughter Syndrome

they say that there is always a little girl inside of us women. it's true. in fact, i find myself in that situation in all the relationships i've had--the whining, the baby talking. i know that i could already trust the guy if there is some of those already present in the relationship.

today, i am awfully bored. i have plenty of free time and i mean plenty. i can't proceed with my game plan yet though because i have to wait until i set foot in the philippines. for now, i should only enjoy the time that i am free. the first person that i want to bother is my boyfriend aka father, older brother, etc. i am attention deficit when it comes to him. i always want him to be on call like a doctor. well i basically just need someone to talk to. someone to have a chitchat now that i have this amount of free time. i just want to think of the present, not the future. i want to get entertained.

how can i get entertained when i dont have money... i just turn to my dad? let's see what will happen today...

fresh!

it's 2am and i took a nap. i wasn't intending to take it but i just fell asleep. well, it's an ungodly hour anyway. i dreamt of my mom and sisters staying with me in the same place i am in. right here in my beautiful pad in china. they say dreams are a symbol of your fears or desires. and everything will fall into place again once i get there... back home, back in the philippines.
now i feel like celebrating, must be yahoomusic rnb. i just feel like being sexy and going to the bar, having my taste of being hot again after months of hibernating, having a fabulous life feeling like an adolescent once again. i feel so fresh!!! fuck the age. so what if i'm 27? i still feel so 22!

still about me

i am getting married to someone who will bring me to BELGIUM. this is a dream come true! slap on the face--am i awake or not? i'm still skeptical and i still don't know by now. fuck! it's april 2 and he's going to belgium on april 15. that leaves him less than 15 days to fix our marriage papers. he's going to marry me? me? yes, i'm pretty but i'm quite the crazy woman type. i get insecure and angry and my thoughts lead me to do something drastic all the time. i am never submissive. i'm really strong. i can stand alone. for me, it's better not to have a relationship than to follow a guy or be stressed out over a guy. i am happy and still surprised now. i can't wait to sign those papers and go to that country. really. maturity tells me to go and think it over a hundred times before diving, imagining what will happen in the future. another side of me, tells me to just calm down and focus on my own career goals and not rely on the guy. i think the second one is much better. rather than getting frustrated in the end, i'd rather see things first, see what will happen. sometimes apathy is the best way to counter unnecessary stress. but shit! i can't stop thinking about it! i can't stop imagining myself being in that country, cheering for my football star and being a what? a caregiver? it's a french-speaking country and i'm english-speaking. there might be jobs that need english-speakers! a call center perhaps. wait, i'll browse through the net on english-speaking jobs in belgium. yes there are! but i would like to stick to communication. i would like to jobs related to media and communication. i have various experiences actually be it sales, customer service, education, but nothing related to media and that is what i'm going to start right now. now this is realistic. media then eventually be a star on television. i'm just really riding the second choice boat here but i really want to be a star. that's what i want to be and that's what i'm going to be. sort of an oprah winfrey dream. i just want to be famous. and yes, money will follow after that. money is nothing if you are not self-fulfilled. if the desires of the heart are not fulfilled, money is nothing. thing is, i don't really live to dress up and flaunt branded clothes. it's not really my priority. my priority is to do what i really really want. idealism can't be robbed off me. it's still like that and i know i have the strength for that.

DAWN

the dawn and listening to 'blue grassland' by soulstance (chillout) makes me go nowhere but right where i am. 'you give me something' by james morrison... wow... i feel romantic... i am looking forward to going back to the philippines and fixing my life... maybe this time it will be good. it will be the best. i feel happy and i think this time it will be for the best. yes, i will definitely miss china especially where i am staying at. i will miss this cozy place but in this place i just daydream of the philippines.
i wish to have this kind of cozy bedroom again when i'm back in the philippines. i want to be able to listen to my lite sounds and my privacy like this. i knew it. my last days in china are definitely the best. its travel. it was a helluva travel.
back to reality...

???

my boyfriend finally forgave me for not going to his place. now i think i'm about to make him mad. i can predict that, i do. first, i haven't told him about the party that i will be going to. he will say that i should not go there because i have work tomorrow and that it's too far so it would be expensive for the taxi. that's the first scenario. another scenario is a guy attempting to go to my place. he has a juicy offer. one juicy offer from a young, attractive guy. samantha jones blood rush--i can feel that again. both are tempting situations. both are "fun" so help me on what to do, shall i:

a. do nothing, don't charge my phone so no one can reach me

b. go to the party and lie to my boyfriend (which is hard because he obliges me to be on cam at night all the time, though i can sneak out when he starts sleeping)

c. tell my boyfriend that i'm going to the party though he disagrees--so what, he will forgive me anyway after 24 hours

d. entertain the other guy, in this way i can show him that i'm at home (have the guy stay at the back of the computer while my beau and i chat then when it's over, the show begins)

e. let the guy go to my room, have him sit where the computer is not facing it. talk to him without opening my mouth? cover my mouth while talking to him? grab my phone, pretend that i'm talking to someone on the phone that's why i'm opening my mouth?

HELP!

this is IT.

my life. there's no turning back. this is it. this is the turning point of my life. i will go back to my country and start life from scratch. after 5 years of searching and failing, thinking and thinking, being too sure-footed and avoiding failure, i'm finally going to reach and focus on my dreams. i have daydreamed too much. i have been afraid too much. i've been having a vacation too much, dilly-dallying. now is the time to really be where i want to be--to be in my niche. i've worried so much on financial status and the fear of not surviving. now, everything is fine. GOD will be on my side. it's like an airplane taking off. my heart is racing... yes, i'm still afraid that nothing might come out but it's impossible. something will come out. if i only focus, if i only believe--i will be there. now i'm going to focus on working on my dreams.

gratitude to money

i looked thru the glass windows from the 24th floor of this apartment and i saw a mountain full of green trees! it is such a wonderful sight, such sight that is refreshing, makes me want to just kiss my worries good bye. it helps to be easily amazed by the sights. it pays to be happy with just music and the thought that you are still alive even if yes, life is not the ideal, not how you wanted it to be. at least, i can still watch a good movie on a nice tv screen and write down my thoughts while watching 'the reader' which are:
-why do i feel the need to please people in things
-i noticed that movies that can really be touching are those about love and repressed feelings, long lost love...
-how can someone sacrifice so much for love?
-it's only when someone dies that you would think of spending time with the person
i just watched 'the reader' and looked at the shots and noticed how a simple plot and a few set of actors can make a movie touching and wonderful. it is the story. it is...
you know, i just want to forget about my life not for a minute, not for an hour, not for a day, but for the whole time i will be spending it here in china. the uncertainty, the chaos. the only fine thing i want to do here is just sit in the room, watch a movie, daydream. outside are busy streets that just shouts "cheater". everybody's so busy making money--making money that varies, it can be 10%, 100%, 50%... it can be 0% sales. damn! and i hate that feeling of worrying about money. money is something that can ruin things, ruin families, ruin. just ruin. it's money that can make a woman strip off her clothes to a stranger, can cause that unnecessary adrenaline rush when a thief snatches the bag of someone. it's money that make women marry someone they don't really feel that hazy love feeling but with someone they feel financially secure with. it's money, money that can give you power, power to make someone pretend that he or she loves you. it's money that makes us fight in companies, causes us stress and makes us want to kiss ass with the superior so we can get promoted. it's money that can make us feel insecure and undervalue ourselves. it's money -- and let's forget about money.
what for me is more important in life? it is passion, catharsis, art. the only reason why i want money to be there is because i want to have means to support the 'artistic' life. i just need certain things to survive, it's just to survive and be able to do things.
-thought: people do not waste time on you if they don't need anything from you; it maybe love, sex, reassurance, companionship, money, depending on the need of the person at that time. the most unacceptable in the society though, is needing someone for money. why? because the quality of a person's life nowadays and how he or she is accepted in the society is determined by the amount of his or her money.

THINGS THAT I FUCKING DON'T LIKE ABOUT CHINA

A. Being a Fucking Teacher/Employee
1. You don't get paid on time-a few days delay is bearable but a fucking week?
2. No fucking medical benefits
3. They cost-cut you on everything. They fucking promised a "house" for me then when I arrived here, I was about to share it with someone. And that bitch, by the way, is my countrymate who is such a crab-very Filipino, eh?
4. They are all liars and cheaters saying that internet will be provided in my "house". There was not even a cable and what do you expect? No computer!
5. Now with being a teacher, who would believe that the university students can just walk out anytime they want to! (Just because they don't like the activity)
6. Fucking A! I forgot, they are all stupid and can't understand fucking English so they can only grasp 30%! Shit, I read a whole chapter, asking them if they could understand from time to time. They say yes, I go on, and when I ask them questions, they said they can't understand anything!
7. So I bought some books with chinese translation for their benefit. I asked someone to read the chinese version first then the English... still they can't fucking understand. It's not language barrier anymore. They are just PLAIN stupid.
8. I fucking hate that I have to wake up as early as 5:30 in the morning to catch the fucking bus to the university.
9. What the fuck! Someone just bumped me and never even made an effort to apologize. Nevermind, it happens everywhere, everyday anyway.
10. But a motorbike just bumping you along a pedestrian lane? This country is fucking dangerous.
AND A LOT MORE.

after nap feeling

I took a nap in the university library. It was for just five minutes and when I awoke, I feel amorous, in love. I don't know with whom but I just feel that loving feeling. I don't know where this came from. I just feel a renewed sense of hope. From where? Gee, I really can't tell. All I know was before that, I approved an ex-boyfriend in Facebook. Could it be that I still feel those endorphins still? There are just some people that we really like and can't forget, don't we? And for those guys that we don't like but we enter into a relationship with, you get mad easily just with the slightest provocation. With the things we don't like, we only want to get something from them but never really enjoy them. But when it comes to people or things that we like (and it does not matter whether they like us), we just can't say no to them.

someone special

i don't know what we have and sometimes i get bothered that i don't want to continue seeing him. i always listen to him because he's one of the most honest men i have ever met. he tells me exactly what is good for me. i may not understand at first, but he is dead serious about things, very selfless and just plain honest. he was my first boyfriend here in china. it happened fast, yes (everything happens fast). we first had a conversation/date one afternoon. i just wanted to date, yes, to forget about someone i left in the philippines. there's a feeling of comfort when we talked and it makes me feel like i can tell this person anything. and so i did, from that time on, i did. all that honesty made him closer to me. i didn't want anything serious at first, but to fill my time, i just accepted him as my boyfriend. i know he really likes me, really. i realized my bad character looking back at what happened to us. my suspiscions and cynicism especially about men, and the fear that they will just cheat on me ruined us. many things happened for the wrong reasons. i cheated on him, yes. and now i cheat with him. for the fear of getting hurt again, he did not accept me anymore as a girlfriend, but i cried, i really missed him. i wanted to marry him. he was someone so composed and he just inspires me to pursue what i had to pursue. in short, he gives me strength and encouragement. i will always have him in my heart. i will never forget him. months passed and i got over him through many distractions, many small sweet nothings i had with other men. though no matter where i went, we would see each other once in a blue moon, make love, and talk. then someone came along, a new person who owed to the responsibilities of a true boyfriend. i was at peace. i did not need him anymore. things changed. on new year's eve, his countrymate who is a friend of my boyfriend, just led me to where he was sitting in the bar. there was a slight feeling, a good one. then life went on. i didn't care. then we started chatting again, friendly. then when i had a new apartment, he started visiting me and yes, we would make love. we have such a strong sexual chemistry. or is it just me, helpless and lonely? in the fear of being alone, yes i entertained him. it started with that reason, but he always leaves me a good feeling. his pleasantness, calmness, leaves a trace, an influence. and the way he puts his heart into having sex with me, pleasing me ruthlessly, you would never have a clue that he is that same soft-spoken man. people are really different and you can compare. my boyfriend is childish, immature and because he is, i am gravitating towards this guy who is calm and mature in his ways. when he was still my boyfriend, he would also have his flaws, i was then, possessive of his time and he wants some time by himself and with his friends, just some balance. i wouldn't want him back as a boyfriend because of these issues. the setting right now is unconventional. i have my boyfriend and i am seeing another guy. the relationships we have with different people are unique. we need each one of them in a unique way as much as they need us. we cannot be exclusive as much as we can't be exclusive with just one friend. we are all moving creatures, it all depends on the situation, the need.

ang gulo ng isip m! (ur mind is not clear)

what keeps me awake at night is the thought of where i really want to be. i am a 27 year old confused woman who has nothing else but ambition in life but can't really figure out what it is. Yes, I am contented in this loft and i do feel like i'm living a posh life in this posh condo right in the heart of Wuchang District, Wuhan City, China. the only thing uncool is, my job. i'm an english teacher and what could be boring than that. i'm honestly overqualified for this post since I've been working in multinational companies in the philippines. i never pictured myself staying in the classroom and talking to stupid chinese college students all day, using the chalk and talking about anything, the mundane facts of life. i shifted from education to another course because i wanted to be popular, i wanted to be a news anchor, a newscaster, a talk show host. isn't that a completely high and idealistic job?? that was my first choice, "mass communication", but where are the mass comm graduates that i know of? they are doing all that behind the scenes thing that i am NOT into. duh. i want to be seen on tv you know. i'm a showbiz personality by nature. 'showbiz' as what my uncle used to call me when i was younger. jesus christ where the hell is my life going? i better go home. i can't wait to save. shit. no wonder my uncle got disappointed with me. ang gulo nga ng isip ko.

solitude

I live near the mountains, in Central China. Many people are in awe of this country. I live on the 24F of a hi-rise building. The furniture that I have is mostly green. They say green is the favorite color of the geniuses. I'm sitting on an apple green chair, to my left, a green shelf. Oh I didn't really recognize that there is, in fact, a plant that I just watered because I saw that it is turning yellow. Geez... Plants, nature, they symbolize beauty. The serenity, solitude, it's beautiful... to be alone... to be at peace with yourself without people to make life complicated, it's a dream come true. Seclusion, when people can't see you personally or when you choose when to or not to communicate, or who to communicate with at a certain time of the day,is actually a blessing. You have a certain gut feel about a person and you know that. Being away from them is relaxing. In this chapter of my life I learned something about myself. I am happy that I discovered something new again so that next time I may be able to avoid things that can devastate me. I just know now that I value privacy a lot, that I can't share a house with someone except maybe if I get a husband. I'm growing old and I have led a disastrous life, leaving a job for instance once I don't get what I want. I was about to make the same mistake a few days ago. Impulsive.

dream solutions

I can't believe how vivid things are in dreams. I woke up again aghast of my dream last night where i was back in the philippines and it was a job offer day where they are offering me just a very small salary. i remember, P20,000 then it says, plus transportation and food allowance. no, i can't accept that bullcrap. if i go back to the philippines and receive that kind of salary, what will happen of me? from that, i guess i will put a halt on going back first.

im flip

i don't want this. i get pissed off with how he treats me and i want to stop. i can't stop because i'm living with him and i hate having a flatmate. everybody irritates me. my cousin is here and he is just the one to irritate me. i don't like them. there are people i like, there are people i don't like. i want to be with my family and celebrate things with them. i want to eat in fancy restaurants with them riding my new car. it's purple. it takes money to have that. anyway, i don't know. i tend to like people who are classy and sophisticated. no, sometimes i get along with others. i don't know. there are just some people that i don't like, maybe people who i sense do not have the vibes i like. i hate brashness. i don't know i am confused. i am irritable. now i feel irritated because of the guy i am living with. i am not in my right mind. i feel ugly. i need a change of surroundings.

money or craft

i can't wait to go back to the philippines. this is just not working for me. ok i got the experience of working abroad and that was it. aren't dreams a symbol of your desires? i always dream of my director, lav diaz. he was sitting in a cafe in alabang town center, hanging out with people from the industry. i just appeared there and told them that i can make it for another movie, that i, in fact, can ditch my contract to go and shoot for another movie. and then, i'm going back to china but looking forward to that movie when i go back. it's just a few months before i go back. but how will life be when i go back? it's the same old confusion. it's the same old rummage, uncertainty. if i stay here, i will just die of depression and the desire to go back. i need a sign. money or craft?

my husband

i live with a monkey. hahaha. i call him chama chama. now he is tucked inside the bed biting his lips, staring at the foot of the bed like. now he turns his head, looks at me, blinks his eyes and bites his lips again. now he yawns, shakes his legs and plays with his lips-making the brrbrr sound. i say "chama chama" he looks at me with his tired eyes and says, "chama chama" then plays with his mouth, makes the 'brr-brr' sound again. he gets bored, gets his cellphone and calls someone, he yawns. ah! my monkey speaks french, "je me fatigue. je prepar le mange."-i am tired. i prepared dinner. and he spoke to me, "finish what you are doing. i want to watch a movie."