someone special

i don't know what we have and sometimes i get bothered that i don't want to continue seeing him. i always listen to him because he's one of the most honest men i have ever met. he tells me exactly what is good for me. i may not understand at first, but he is dead serious about things, very selfless and just plain honest. he was my first boyfriend here in china. it happened fast, yes (everything happens fast). we first had a conversation/date one afternoon. i just wanted to date, yes, to forget about someone i left in the philippines. there's a feeling of comfort when we talked and it makes me feel like i can tell this person anything. and so i did, from that time on, i did. all that honesty made him closer to me. i didn't want anything serious at first, but to fill my time, i just accepted him as my boyfriend. i know he really likes me, really. i realized my bad character looking back at what happened to us. my suspiscions and cynicism especially about men, and the fear that they will just cheat on me ruined us. many things happened for the wrong reasons. i cheated on him, yes. and now i cheat with him. for the fear of getting hurt again, he did not accept me anymore as a girlfriend, but i cried, i really missed him. i wanted to marry him. he was someone so composed and he just inspires me to pursue what i had to pursue. in short, he gives me strength and encouragement. i will always have him in my heart. i will never forget him. months passed and i got over him through many distractions, many small sweet nothings i had with other men. though no matter where i went, we would see each other once in a blue moon, make love, and talk. then someone came along, a new person who owed to the responsibilities of a true boyfriend. i was at peace. i did not need him anymore. things changed. on new year's eve, his countrymate who is a friend of my boyfriend, just led me to where he was sitting in the bar. there was a slight feeling, a good one. then life went on. i didn't care. then we started chatting again, friendly. then when i had a new apartment, he started visiting me and yes, we would make love. we have such a strong sexual chemistry. or is it just me, helpless and lonely? in the fear of being alone, yes i entertained him. it started with that reason, but he always leaves me a good feeling. his pleasantness, calmness, leaves a trace, an influence. and the way he puts his heart into having sex with me, pleasing me ruthlessly, you would never have a clue that he is that same soft-spoken man. people are really different and you can compare. my boyfriend is childish, immature and because he is, i am gravitating towards this guy who is calm and mature in his ways. when he was still my boyfriend, he would also have his flaws, i was then, possessive of his time and he wants some time by himself and with his friends, just some balance. i wouldn't want him back as a boyfriend because of these issues. the setting right now is unconventional. i have my boyfriend and i am seeing another guy. the relationships we have with different people are unique. we need each one of them in a unique way as much as they need us. we cannot be exclusive as much as we can't be exclusive with just one friend. we are all moving creatures, it all depends on the situation, the need.