Older and Wiser

I just  have so many things to say. In the course of hardships, my mind became so perplexed, overly active and my body followed the whims of the mind. I turned my fantasies into reality, at least sexually. I was out of control but I don't regret it. I tried having 2 boyfriends at the same time a year ago. I lived with one and visited the other on weekends. I was practically fucking 2 men at the same period of my life, and they knew about it. Manipulative but not really. In fact, I loved them both. I remember this article of Marilyn Monroe a.k.a Norma Jean, of her being an orphan and the vibe of neediness. Men are drawn to her because she exuded this vibe of a little girl, wanting a man's attention. I have serious daddy issues and I have hostility towards men. What I needed from them is attention. I just want to know that they admire me, treat me like a princess. Growing up, I never viewed myself as beautiful. People tell me I am smart, so I believe in that. I wanted dominance in a different arena, beauty. I still have issues physically but I get so much affirmation as soon as I lure the guys into bed. There I feel the power, the adoration, right when they fondle with my breasts. Upon writing my next line, I should reveal what occurred in the past few weeks or days. I have engaged in threesomes, 2 men and me. It was so satisfying and it was pure lust. The two men looking into your eyes both, you kissing them one after another. These aren't just men that gave in but men who are actually my type. I will never, in my life, forget the time I lied in bed with them, the 2 of them, hugging me. I got particularly stuck with one guy. He kissed me and I can feel the understanding. He stayed in bed with me unlike the other.  It may also be the way we looked at each other. The other guy was shady. I begin to think, do men get attached? The obsession was too much as after effects and so I tried to drown myself into getting other people's attention but it wasn't the same. It was my first time and I'm gonna go get it again from the same men. And so I thought, but to my surprise, I had the same experience with 2 other men with a different color. I don't even know how it started. It was more like an animal act the second time around. While at it, there was a physiological effect but nothing really beats the first time. There was no magic with the second. In fact, I don't ever want to do it with them again. That's because they were not my type in the first place. There wasn't any connection either. I need to face the truth. I have to stop escaping. If a man likes you, he will go after you. He will pursue you and get to know you. There's no way you will know just by sex. In the meantime, you have to enrich yourself. Make asexual relationships. Do something for your life. Move on.