Dear John,

I love you so much that it hurts. I am so scared. I want you to be my forever. I want you to be mine. You really know it, you already know that I love you and it's up to you now to concede. I don't want to think. I just want to feel. When you hold my hand, it will be magical, just enough for me to breathe. Seeing you is enough. The greatest fulfillment for me now, is to know that you feel the same way too. I don't want to force you, it's your own free will. God is there to enlighten you.

PR Jobs

I'm here in the safety and confines of my own room at work, free from having to talk to people and pretending that I am interested in them, free from all the comments and advices that are unsolicited. I'm just happy to be able to chat with whom I want to chat on yahoomessenger, read what I want to read online, and write what I want to write on this blog without being conscious of any prying seatmate I may have. The pay is again delayed but who cares? The pay is good here at this language center/training center/english proficiency rating center whatever. I want to have another job, a full time one near my apartment in Paranaque. I have come to like it because the rent is cheap. It's just less than $100 per month. $100 is what I alot for everything including electricity and all. It's very managable. I don't know but something tells me to just stay in that apartment we are living in. I am planning to buy a carpet and a proper bed and some wooden furniture. I am planning to really fix the place and make it a real hang out place. I'm going to make the most out of it. I want it all white with wooden furniture; wooden frame for the mirror, wooden divider, wooden all. It will put some character in the place. I'm not going to let my boyfriend decide on what to put or not to put. It's gonna be my place. I think it's about time that I really own something and create something without anyone interfering in it. That is what single life is all about isn't it? Buying stuff, collecting, enjoying things and money while it's there and simply living the dream. My life idol is a fictional character from Sex and the City. I think it's gonna be like that for a long time. I'm moving to New York and have yet to meet Mr. Big or settle with my Aidan here. Aidan or Angelo, my boyfriend for almost a year now is a young guy who is starting in life and still learning from me. I am more experienced professionally jumping from one career to another. I am on project-based status for now but the project seems regular for two years now. I am considering getting a full-time job as a news reporter here but if I don't get the slot I might perhaps kill myself. Just kidding. Of course I won't but I will definitely stop having this project-based employment from being my main source of income and get back into working a regular job with regular benefits in my hometown. This morning, on my way to work, I rode with a former neighbor in a van going to my workplace (the van ride doesn't really reach the workplace but it gets me to a point that it's only a train ride going there). Much has been said about how our lives are not. It was a long chat. We talked about our neighbors and how they are now, who married whom, who has the best life, who has the best job, etc. etc. We talked about how it's hard to have a baby when you are not prepared. I am definitely not going to have a baby yet. Duh? I still have to study abroad, work abroad, be famous, be successful, have lots of money... a whole lot more! Baby-ing is a Miranda Hobbes stage decision and she got hers when she was in her mid 30's. I suddenly thought of Samantha Jones. I think her job is well-suited for me. Let me take a look at some PR jobs.

..

Thank you so much for making me part of Solar TV. I am now a news reporter. I have to write though and thank God it's in English otherwise I wouldn't be able to make it. I'm watching "You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger". I know what's going to happen. Marriages will fail to last and at one phase there will be cheating involved just like how reality exactly is. Am I Samantha Jones and not Carrie? Can I not stick to one for real? I see myself fantasizing about other men even while we are having sex. I close my eyes while doing it with him and I see the sexy faces of my past sexual partners to make me come. The cheating works for me. It's what keeps me alive. I am not saying I want an open relationship. I don't know if I am ready to see my boyfriend have sex with another girl but what if? My boyfriend loves me so much but what is wrong with me?

Regression

He can break my heart many times. He broke it three times. One when we first got together and had a long distnace relationship. Second when I was single. Finally, when I have a stable relationship. How could I give my kisses to this guy so easily and my heart? I always treasure those times when we would walk down cybergate holding hands. Even those times when he was already in India and he would call me. I remember the state of my heart then. It leaped, skipped, and hopped. It's so easy to just get lost in love. It's the most wonderful feeling you could ever have. I just hope that it turns bitter now.

BIG FAT boy in the hood

Four hours and a hot starbucks white chocolate mocha cup later... I got an idea of what to share. I'm from the East Coast and my values and lifestyle is different from this "boy" in the south. This boy in the Philippines has the laziest lifestyle and his friends even refer to him as "padoggy-doggy" (Filipino term for lazing around). He just plays with his Ipod Touch the whole freaking night or watches DVDs of The Entourage until the wee hours of the morning causing him to sleep all day. At times he would play basketball in the village basketball court. What a simple life, harmless and simple but disgusting for me! You talk to him and when the words get a liiiiitle bit complex he asks, "What's that?" Oh shit. You kinda' fight for your rights to watching what you want on TV and he zones out while watching the TV series you wanted to share with him. Oh well most are chick flicks so what he does is, he goes out and bombards the guy neighbors and invites them to drink. What do they talk about? All the mundane things of everyday living. Fine. That's what makes him an interesting subject for this post. This serves as an expose! Wahahaha!

I'm in the character of Carrie. She goes and carries her laptop around to write about her daily life. Well, with all due respect to Candace Bushnell, I'm taking Carrie's place in this place. I will be Carrie/Oprah and I will be tackling about real life. The overweight Carrie in the third world country, the Philippines. Well that's exactly why this blog is called the "Life of a Wannabe". I want to be like Carrie (the fictional character of Sex and the City) and beginning today I'm going to be the real-life Carrie. My life is nothing short of interesting anyway. I'm the young Carrie. I'm 29 years old and I'm reborn. There exists a column on the net and I am the columnist. Thanks to blogger.com. I have always loved New York and most especially Manhattan and I am going to post an image of the map here mwahmwah. I'm going to lead you into a little secret, there is a person who jumpstarted this newly-found image except for what I saw on TV. It's the recurring guy in my life, Joel. We started the tale back in '09 and here I am regressing a little bit, hence the need to divert myself and at the same time pour out every detail of my excitement. I know this is wrong and well it was wrong because I am never gonna do it again in my life. I'm never going to invite him to compromising situations anymore that will lead him on to mixed sex and love affair. Oh please...oh well he admitted last night that he is pursuing a German girl like allegedly so that should end it. That should be the end of the fairytale. Oh well, he's so undecided and it was all about sex but why am I writing about this? Is it because I am guessing that there maybe something beneath that? And why was it that when we kissed it was so passionate like we were trying to impersonate who we were in the past? Christmas was hard enough for me because he was around. Why did I let him in again? Was I just bored here in general. I am in a relationship right now with another guy. Is this because of my unexciting relationship with my boyfriend or is it because the ex just came along?

Chocolate Mint Spa

This is one heavenly treat for me and it's the definition of rejuvenation. My tired feet from carrying my "more to love" body. I thought about nothing but me, my body, it's just about feeling good, no pressure. I went inside and sat on the couch, they welcomed me with tea and smile. I scoured through the spa menu like I'm gonna order from some restaurant. Once I've decided, I went to my private room to put down all my things and removed my clothes. I went naked and got a towel then a lady assisted me to the sauna, that cubicle for one that can make one sweat. I turned the sand of time to 20 minutes of sauna sweat time. I put more water to the stone it gets hotter and I felt more sweat... I could feel the earth granting me my long-wanted perspiration and the melting away of aches and pains. It soothes my body and makes me say that every worry will be gone. I stopped when I already felt the suffocation. I couldn't breathe anymore and I needed air so I reached for the knob and opened the door. With my towel on, I went straight to the shower room already looking like I already have showered but from sweat. Shower wooosh! The feel of the lukewarm water running against my face makes me feel refreshed. I dried myself up and put on the robe, went to my room as the assistant prepared everything. She has not turned the a/c on yet and after the warm shower you wanted to feel the cool breeze from the a/c. I waited for the room to be cool and in a few minutes the lady touched my hair and applied the chocolate mint hair spa ooze! It smells like chocolate mint that you wanna taste it. The massage on the scalp was long and soothing plus the smell of the chocolate mint soothes you more. Euphoria euphoria for minutes. The massage went down from my head to my nape to my shoulders while I was lying on my back. There's nothing more I could wish for today.

Woman

This woman can attract any men she wants. Now it's her plot to get rich and therefore, she wants to marry rich. She lives in New York. She's a real estate agent and she's been attracting really really rich men that will allow her to stop working. "The more nervous I am, the more relaxed people think I am." Like her leads, she wouldn't stop collecting and taking chances. Most of people in contact with her are men. Women envy her charm from days back then. She only has a few selected female friends. She looks common, well she used to, until she came to New York. She had delusions of grandeur ever since and she must have gotten that from her grandmother, who stole a husband away from his wife. She calculates her risks. She goes to the Church often. She wasn't always like this though. She used to be cheerful but she lost her way somehow and learned to fight her battles alone. She finds the right partner here, strong, powerful and has nothing but a good heart. A hopeless romantic. This should be the end of her battle. But she betrayed him in the end. Only to come back to the one she left originally. Oh come on, this is a safe story. Let me tell you the truth. Well, that woman is me. I tried seduction but not to my advantage. Come on, it's just sex. The only risk is a disease and reputation if you're not careful. Problem is, I've done things that are of no use to me. Sex is one of it. I want to try something bolder and productive, fuck the word productive. It's manipulative that I should use. I need a psychiatrist.

Dream Journal - January 10, 2011

I was with Mom and my 2 kid sisters and we were riding a tricycle to my aunt's house. There was a reunion happening and the house seems to be filled with people we don't know. We were not allowed to come in yet until I woke up. The first part of my dream I think I have forgotten but I will document it once I recall.

because they are lucky

am i really happy for them? i guess not. i think i envy them and it's unhealthy. brie is now a model and she is having lots of photo shoots. mylene went to france once more and she just had her pics posted. wow. she bagged a french guy. i will have an upcoming movie. but hey, this is just another smalltime indie film. great. i will have something new to post on facebook, at least. my family has all my support but what am i doing here? i am back in the philippines. i know i dont see myself in china once more. i want to be in europe and US acting and travelling and getting thinner and thinner. i want to taste the frommage and the bread and the everything there. oh please GOD. i think i better start writing to YOU God Almighty. where is my life going again? i am confused once more and i have to figure this out. im simply looking at mylene's life. it is so simple. she's just a teacher and she wanted to get married to a european. well she's definitely now with a european. so things arent going my way for now. im sure im gonna be crazy when i get to the US. all the things i see will be seemingly magical. well like joel. he's here and he wished to be here. he wanted it so badly and it arrived just when he was not expecting it anymore. he has let the world work it's wonder. im running out of my mind already. im getting completely berserk. tonight im planning to go to ruins and find french films. i will have an upcoming role as a fortune-teller. and now as i close my eyes i see a beautiful place in south france with the cold weather and my friend mylene. the whole cast is there again (well, almost). but i cant see a guy there. i cant see anyone yet.

Sheila

She was wearing a red dress and was drowning herself of wine. She can't forget. It was in the 80's when they all had crazy hairstyles and paddings. Now she's in her 40's. Twenty years. She could have raised a child of her own but she didn't. Instead, she chose to be a childless mistress. She's still very beautiful though. In fact, she looks young for her age. But she's all wasted inside. She drives a car to the nearby salon. She's used to the galant pampering and the galant everything. She reaches her credit card from the bag. The salon cashier swipes it, and it's gone. She has no cash with her. The salon cashier forgives her as she has been a loyal customer. Now she goes home and decides to look for a job and start over. She's just so lonely. She depended on the guy so much. Now, she's left with nothing. He's gone. Forever. She was just 25 when they first met. The guy was married and she never entertained the idea of loving him. He pursued her for 3 years and he won her heart through lavish gifts and numeous dates. She asked him why he was doing this and he said that he was not happy with his marriage. She herself was on the rocks with her boyfriend at that time so she blindly succumbed to the idea of becoming this rich guy's mistress. They would check in hotels all-over the country and even abroad. It was like seeing the world for the first time. She was so happy. This is the life that she has always wanted. She was tired of poverty. She was tired of just buying surplus stuff. She wanted more out of life and excess she got. . . (to be cont'd.)