common sense

i got a habit of looking at facebook so much that it shapes my decision, my life. i'm so confused. i don't know what to do anymore. should i stay or should i go. what is the guarantee that if i go back to my country, i will have a better chance in life, in the future? is there such a surefire way to be successful? i'm obsessed about success that it feels so far away. look at me, a 27 year old woman who is definitely a certified 'wannabe', a certified stupid coward who is not getting ahead in life. being very fatalistic can make you a failure. being all talk and no act can make you really frustrated. jesus christ i am so frustrated in my life. what the hell am i doing in china? what the hell am i doing with my life? i just feel so uncertain and i feel that i need to pick up the broken pieces when i go back to my country you know. i feel that i failed. i failed to bring in the money that i should be bringing. i failed and it's what pains me. it's what is keeping me awake until now--5am. where did my career go? i thought i had it before but nothing happened. but thank God i got to travel and i got to make those movies which i really wanted to do. life is so imperfect and it is never predictable. it is never predictable. when i go back, i'm going to where i used to be but i'm moving forward. stepping behind while moving forward? this is excruciating. i thought i should be leading a straight path? i didn't. everything seemed successful and rich in our school before. what happened to me? everybody fuckin' got where they want to be(well, it seems) but still, i am in a crisis. OK I'M REALLY GOING BACK TO THE PHILIPPINES. ayoko na magpaapekto sa sasabihin ng ibang tao. i'm going to reach for my dreams. i cant take this frustration anymore. i better stop that habit of comparing my life to other people's lives. fuck facebook. fuck friendster. fuck this envy. those sites are only about showing off where you are in life right now. i don't live for other people. fuck i dont want to be confused anymore. i have my email ad and people will just reach me whenever they want. i have to stop the habit. stop the envy habit. this guy i'm sleeping with told me something very very remarkable. he said,"everything that happens in my life is my responsibility." fuck. and even another guy whom i was open to last time told me that i am a confused person, confused individual. i remember it clearly, when i asked, "can i be a businesswoman?" he said, "no, you can never be a businesswoman because you are a confused person." it shook me and until now it is, indeed, shaking me. what was i thinking? do i lack common sense? God, do I lack common sense?