here we go again with the daydreams

before i distract myself to oblivion, let me just relay what just happened, what is happening and how do i feel. with the runny nose that i have, it's easy to be irritated by what you hear and what you see. let me shun myself out by playing music, eh i changed my mind. i heard the woman from Union Jack Tavern say, "iced tea lang yan e". saying that i will order only iced tea. i'm guilty about that fact that i'm not ordering more because i just wanna be true to myself, true to be a middle-earning proletariat. what if i only order iced tea or cappuccino? at least i'm a regular, right? damn this inequality in customer service, phils. but what do i expect. i am, in the philippines, where good artists are born because of the tragedy they have everyday. all the pretentions and the coping will really make you go bonkers and will make you come rush and write down all the rants and raves you have, making you a tragedienne. Jessica Zafra maybe one but she hides under being mad than sad. my day-to-day experiences leading me to daydream and fight for a better tomorrow (i.e. riding a jeepney from laguna to alabang, sweaty, holding the pee, carrying so many things, feeling claustrophobic) can make you mad. mad. that is the word. like you just wanna shout and say, "i hate being a commoner!" or "why can't i be rich NOW!" oh gawd! i swear my feelings are so drastic. this is because of having a runny nose. like you just wanna rummage through things. it's 7:55pm and i am again alone in the cafe. how i wish i have all the material things i need. i want a car and a comfortable house to be in. i want all those financial luxuries all to myself. all i have now are temporary luxuries and when i say temporary, just a span of a few hours. i want a studio-type apartment like what i used to have in china. it's so cool, calm, and collected. now i'm at a place like blue sky. it's called union jack tavern. i so miss my grandpa. im sure that if he's here, he would be taking me here. he would be taking care of a girl like me with a runny nose. i'm not ready for poverty, i am not. and a simple life i have. let me take a look at houses of celebrities... i cant seem to find any. maybe i dont have the 'searching patience' because of my runny nose. i am presently daydreaming of a rich and comfortable life, a place conducive for solitary ... voom! here goes carrie's apartment like some premonition of sorts. the design of the apartment is laid out as, "a person who lives with words on a daily basis" am i not a person like that that's why i can't resist spending just for internet access? it's 9:11 pm and i would be doing the same exact thing in China just in case im there. living in the surreal world. im getting the hang of it.

the inspiration gotten from the tarot card reader

The universe will conspire with what you need. I just consulted a tarot reader and here's what the card says: that it will be tough with the 1st month of this new job because i won't be happy that much. that should just focus on what's going to make my life better. that this love of mine is the sugar daddy who will support me. and that i am going to be famous in this field, showbiz. as what i said, ask. believe. receive. stardom. sleep with the scriptwriter. what movie is best for me. it is going to be a sexy movie for a sexy woman like me. beautiful. the card says many will admire me. what strikes me the most is the lover that i never expected. it says, 'he's a very loving guy. he will support you.' this place perhaps is my destiny. the philippines. financial woes will be solved. just focus. that's the magic word that tarot reader mentioned. focus. the world will be yours. i am good with making decisions. life is pretty simple. you just have to know what you want. dont be too jealous. believe in him. love him. trust him. he has good intentions. joel... God... i have faith in God. everything will be good. i will have projects here and there. in acting. in shooting. my beauty will grace the roads of manila. like a new sex symbol. underwear model. bags. and all i have to do is to indulge in mind, body, and spiritual healing. summoning the spirits of goodness... knowing the inner truth of things rather than the tangible incongruencies of the world. bringing beauty and wisdom to the world and not kept uptight by societies demands. i'll bring color to your world and the life and the color i will bring will delight your senses as you savour every bit of me with your five senses. the array of our lives will make you and me whole. live and let live. and we will advocate love, joy, and peace throughout the world. with unwavering trust in LOVE itself and all the good things. you and me shall be king and queen. the distance between us will not hinder us from the happiness that we so want to share. we will change the world. we will change lives. we will introduce disconformity. our passion will pave roads for us. never to worry about money anymore. because the world will depend on us. the world will depend on this co-habitation of sorts. you and me and a lot of killing spree... and a lot of killing spree... and they will die so we can suck their blood without resist. let them die and death shall be. no one will live but the powers that be. where did this come from? it's the deep desire the resist conformity. so it's done. so i should consider it done. there is fire.

of love and expectations

it's in the air everywhere. what the hell? been singing 'groovy kind of love' song over and over and over. intense. searched his name on google. searched his schools and more background on google. now what the hell is this? him playing in the football field of my mind seems tireless. the disappointment in his voice when i wanted to break up brings me some reassurance. when you think of reasons behind decisions, you'll understand. i wanted to break up last night because of intense feelings and fear of disappointment. "it wasn't intentional," he said. yes it wasn't but the fact still remains that he made a mistake of not calling me and i was disappointed. i kinda' set the standards to resolve everything. from now on, no more promises... everything should be spontaneous. i'm not waiting for his call anymore. i think things will really change as what i told him especially now that i'll be working on my dream industry. daily routines will change. i will be meeting more people. but knowing me? when i fall in love, i am loyal. capricorns are loyal anyway. i really feel triumphant that he doesn't want to give up when i was ready to. it's a long distance love affair so the only basis is the way we get in touch with one another. no expectations. when one misses another, they just go ahead and call. no more saying, "i'll call you in ten minutes.." "i'll call you when i get home." whatever whatever. just call when you want to. you don't have to promise anything. just go! anthony (a present colleague) told me, "the problem with you is that you are emotionally volatile." he forgot to mention that i take things so personally all the time. onion-skinned.

sssh computer!

shush! computer don't make a sound... i'm sneaking out and pretending to be busy with something when i'm busy with something ELSE. i'm at a call center again. boring cc. boring call center world where we have a luxury of computers, headphones and airconditioning. since when did this freaky industry come about? since when did people get fond of this call center thingy. oh god, i raise my head and i see people so robotic. 2 americans training these people blah blah blah... that is their job anyway. i just can't understand how they stand this industry. well, seems like not everyone thinks the same way as i do. and most people would just work to get by and earn errr the other way around. it's capitalism and materialism that rules now and everything is some sort of a business. your time is getting paid by the hour making sure you serve the company. we are all servants. slaves. what are my qualms? everybody's working. you do things every single day and it is modified. modified according to what you have to do. money is everything right now and we are all scared to lose our jobs because we fear lack of money. the progression of my own goals requires money. money comes when you find what you really really want. on monday i will have a chance to get a job that i dream of. there is a steady income with it plus i am interested in what i'll be doing.... i'm trying to figure out really what i'm supposed to do. it has something to do commercials and stuff. my clients are advertising agencies. i'm going to arrange everything for them. with production and stuff. am i that responsible. oh well at least it's something that can draw me closer to showbiz. i'm gonna get the experience i need with this. i am honestly clueless. let me check out what it's all about by reviewing the job description once more.

the sad vibes

it comes when you are about to lose money. you don't have savings. you hate ur job. you have no choice. life is not getting where you want it to be. you are questioning your existence and the reason why you are not moving forward in life. why, at the age of 27, am i still unhappy with what i am doing? i should have at least a car right now. i'm getting older with no direction, so it seems. i want and i need a direction. now i am channeling DIVINE INTERVENTION. i'm going to rise up from these adversities. could it just be the weather or the money i have or the lack of? it is largely because of my job considering that i am a career person and it's in my nature to be really 101% with it. impatient. yes, adrian my friend (a batchmate of mine who got closer to me thru facebook). i am impatient with my life as i expect something perfect from it. the thing is i have a choice. i have talent. i just need to determine where. i need to stick to something. i know i want to be well-known for something and i wanna be perceived in a certain kind of way. a colleague of mine said a while ago, "you're too emotional." what he does not know is that i am just lonely, uncontented with my life right now that's why i appear melancholic.

it changed?

it completely changed. i have a fleety feeling. this came so unexpectedly like it was written in the stars. so in the middle of nowhere, in a bright sunny afternoon at alabang, i decided not to give up applying until i find a job. then just like that, i went inside a building called "firstsource". desperate for a job, i went inside, applied and asked the first point of contact which is the receptionist if i can walk-in as an applicant. i don't know anything then about the company but in less than a week, they hired me as a trainer. that's because of my scholastic record and employment history. alas! indians again! a female indian as my boss. felt the real pressure then since she seems always in a rush. she's that type of worker. plus, we need to get things done and impress the client. it's a pioneering batch that we are going to handle so with their presence, you just have to make the best impression. that's the feeling that i hate myself. the feeling that i am working hard to 'perfume my name'. if i want to make it good, it's because it's my own business. my boss in sitel was right. that idiot ej, at least, was good in diagnosing his people at least. that i carry this 'pride' thing? he was right about that. and that i am so tired of this 'rat race' that i don't believe in naturally. i'm on my own like a businesswoman. that's the only focus that i have on my mind right about now. not to rise or compete with others just to be on top but to have something "on my own" that at least i am sure about.
so i jumped right off the bat to this job for money and by the way, they still haven't identified me since stuff like birth certificate, nbi clearance, certificates of employment, and even diplomas haven't been submitted. they couldn't validate if what i said was true or not. they don't have a proof about me and they have all the right to be doubtful. but what do i do? i need the money, my family needs the money. the company needs a trainer so. here am i writing a blog inside the training room when everbody else is doing something else, concentrating on product training. i don't actually have to have training since i belong to "pre-process" or communication skills. at first i didn't see the reason why the hell should i sit in here but now, it like benefits me since the boss mr joel madtha and maninder something something, both indians, are staying near my workplace and i didn't want to lie to myself by acting like i'm so busy with work when i do not. when i go out of this room, i so know what to tell them, that we talked about disputes and terms and if they want me to formulate scenarios, i can use my stock knowledge as a financial product services. card activation, change info, authotized user, raise credit limit, check balance, inquiries on fees, lah dih dah... balance transfer, payment over the phone... enuf.. but come to think of it, it's useful knowledge on ur daily existence which is highly dependent on structures, cash. one which is inevitable. residual balance, i got a residue of complication everyday. i better be in the advertising industry or i'm gonna get crazy. next week, i might just get what i was daydreaming about. it's the makati scene and advertising and all that stuff. now that i am working hand in hand with foreigners, i know the feeling. they still look down on filipinos and there are still side comments on whatever we do. those condescending brats! they all feel like we can't perform well or something. am i proud to be a filipino? i am not. and it's so unfair for us. it's so much better to have your own business and not work for anyone else. talking about pride again. pride. i bet you, it's all about the money. if i am a filipino woman with a lot of money and i walk around the streets of milan, they will still look down on me. now it retribute my statement. i'd rather be in china where everyone is stupid. nah. or maybe i'd rather be here in the philippines? no, in the US! a strong hold on human rights. it's a 'salad bowl' where everyone is imposed as equal. right. and basing on my presentation on us economy, female, asian are the most in demand when it comes to the employment hiring.