to do

i'm going to brainstorm on what to do on my last days in china that i don't have money.

1) recording my voice

2) write a short story

3) paint

4) watch movies

5) watch sex and the city? i've been watching it all my life and whenever i get bored. sex and the city is my life. i remember when i was relocated in cebu, i watched this when i was alone. i wasn't happy back there. for real. i was lost.
as i watch sex and the city now, i could see the abortion issue. miranda hobbes was contemplating about abortion. well, if you are in that age (35). i don't think you should consider abortion. as for my age, i should. i still should. unless, of course, i am happily married.

6) chatting with my bf in french. oh my boyfriend. someone i could really really depend on. he really loves me. i'm at the sex and the city episode where carrie saw the engagement ring aidan was supposed to give her. she wasn't ready. what was she looking for? at 35?

richard wright: "who needs a wife when you have a life?"
this is sad. i respect everyone's differences but this is a sad truth for people nowadays. they are getting more and more individualistic. they can take being single for life. ok, so lord knows how many times i have cheated on my boyfriend or will cheat more but it's not hurting him anyway. what's worse? having multiple unserious relationships or cheating? when i find out that he is cheating on me, at this point, i can't say i can break up with him. our relationship has been solidified by hardships and trials. we can depend on each other. it's not anymore an "i". it's a "we" and we know that. being married is actually easier on the budget. instead of living separate lives which means separate expenses, it's going to be combined which will be easier. thou shalt pick the right man. and that for me, is my future husband-bajo. he maybe african (coming from a third world country) but his character is perfect for me: hardworking, ambitious, and not a cheater. he's perfect and i love him!

life

it's ten am and i'm right here sitting on the bed. these are my last days and God knows what else may happen. not so long ago, i slept with this guy i so had a connection with, you know, the one from india. in just a few days i will be out of this place. i will move on again to the next stage of my life. i am growing old and am still struggling to be where i want to be. i'm working on it right now. going back to the philippines is another chapter of my life. some people think that money is the most important thing but nothing can't beat my passion. i'm going back to the philippines to continue my passion for the arts and communication. i want to be seen. i want to be famous and that is one deeper reason for me to go back. i'd rather earn average and do something i am passionate about than being somewhere earning above average, not knowing why i'm doing such. unlike most filipinas here who went abroad who just came here in search of greener pastures i came here for the travel. but money is not all. money is just money and if you are not happy with what you are doing, money can't do anything about that. i strongly believe in that. as for me, i have to fulfill my destiny, my destiny to be famous, be significant this world. that is why i am a 'wannabe'. nothing can pull me down. it's just GOD. and GOD wants me to live my life according to my full potential.

chase me

i keep on living this dangerous life. it's dangerous to make love with him and i knew that. i still did. it's part of my earthly delights and my travel finale. i've made love (aka had sex) with different guys before but it's different when you've got attraction. it's a strong attraction coupled with his moves, his kisses. things that i can't forget. he's indian. his eyes are so hypnotic. whenever i have sex with an indian, i get carried away. i am carried away now and i am doing the opposite...
i logged on to facebook, changed my profile picture et voila! my new profile pic is the one with my boyfriend. it's a defense mechanism. i even did not text him. when i like someone, the more i don't show it. i live in a lie. everything is a lie. i conceal it with a lie to protect myself. that's how i am. that's how i survive.
im not like other girls who will chase him. i'll prove him wrong. he will chase me.

common sense

i got a habit of looking at facebook so much that it shapes my decision, my life. i'm so confused. i don't know what to do anymore. should i stay or should i go. what is the guarantee that if i go back to my country, i will have a better chance in life, in the future? is there such a surefire way to be successful? i'm obsessed about success that it feels so far away. look at me, a 27 year old woman who is definitely a certified 'wannabe', a certified stupid coward who is not getting ahead in life. being very fatalistic can make you a failure. being all talk and no act can make you really frustrated. jesus christ i am so frustrated in my life. what the hell am i doing in china? what the hell am i doing with my life? i just feel so uncertain and i feel that i need to pick up the broken pieces when i go back to my country you know. i feel that i failed. i failed to bring in the money that i should be bringing. i failed and it's what pains me. it's what is keeping me awake until now--5am. where did my career go? i thought i had it before but nothing happened. but thank God i got to travel and i got to make those movies which i really wanted to do. life is so imperfect and it is never predictable. it is never predictable. when i go back, i'm going to where i used to be but i'm moving forward. stepping behind while moving forward? this is excruciating. i thought i should be leading a straight path? i didn't. everything seemed successful and rich in our school before. what happened to me? everybody fuckin' got where they want to be(well, it seems) but still, i am in a crisis. OK I'M REALLY GOING BACK TO THE PHILIPPINES. ayoko na magpaapekto sa sasabihin ng ibang tao. i'm going to reach for my dreams. i cant take this frustration anymore. i better stop that habit of comparing my life to other people's lives. fuck facebook. fuck friendster. fuck this envy. those sites are only about showing off where you are in life right now. i don't live for other people. fuck i dont want to be confused anymore. i have my email ad and people will just reach me whenever they want. i have to stop the habit. stop the envy habit. this guy i'm sleeping with told me something very very remarkable. he said,"everything that happens in my life is my responsibility." fuck. and even another guy whom i was open to last time told me that i am a confused person, confused individual. i remember it clearly, when i asked, "can i be a businesswoman?" he said, "no, you can never be a businesswoman because you are a confused person." it shook me and until now it is, indeed, shaking me. what was i thinking? do i lack common sense? God, do I lack common sense?

plot man

something stops me from that decision of going back. it's an affair. i can't think logically now. i've been fooled or whatever. he's sleeping and snorring on my bed right now. why is finding men so easy here for me? it's easy to find a man, establish a 'connection' (i think establishing a connection can be a skill now for me). i feel like i got swayed a little bit by the charm of this guy who captured me by his honesty and of course the way he appreciates my beauty. the cynic in me tells me that yeah right, it's just a plot. but for a guy whose got the girls going gaga over him, how can he still be making that 'plot'? so shit, something tells me to stay and that something is just foolish voice inside of me. could he be that sign that i'm looking for? i need more signs

friendly sex

sex and friendship don't really match you know. there's no such thing as 'friends with benefits'. there is attraction between friends but when you cross the boundaries it will feel different, you know. there's jealousy, there's confusion. it's different when you have sex with someone. no matter how cool you seem or how open you are, you still had it. you still did the deed, something you do to for lust or for love but not as a friendly activity. for the hell of being trisexual, i tried becoming friends with someone i was attracted to and someone i had sex with. it didn't work out you know. he called me 'bess' but no, i just felt cheated. this is crazy. i had this guy whom i call 'brother'. for years i treated him as a younger brother then something came up, we were never the same again. there's this guy that i intended to be my friend at first, we ended up having sex then boom! i became attached. he sort of became attached. i proposed a relationship, he rejected, i felt bad. it was over. i never spoke to him again.

bringing the positive vibe again

this week i have to indulge in the senses so much. in a few days, my sex and the city life will be over. i have to choose between having this much of a freedom in my cozy apartment or having a chance in that career that i'm aiming for. both can help me self-actualize. this is me. i love this space. listening to sex and the city conversation, having a posh lifestyle, writing about it, living like 'carrie'. we all have this particular lifestyle that we ideally want. for me, having this kind of income suits me the most. you know, i just hate my job. the only thing that i love about this is that i have a lot of free time. i dread mondays and thursdays because i get stuck in that fucking university. shit. i really really hate that job. i'm fucking not a teacher at all! i just can't stand it, to be honest. i have a dichotomy. i'm gonna have it back in the philippines and i'm positive about that!

rElaTionshIps

i am human again and i am going to write about human issues like relationships for instance. when i turned my pc on, the yahoo topic about relationships just popped out blasting on my face. it's about happy couples--how couples stay happy and all. i grew up believing the fact that men can look at other women. men can and will cheat at one point in time. it's a fear that i still can't get rid of. it's a fear and at the same time, an acceptance of reality. no love is enough and i know that from what i have observed. men will always always hunt for seemingly unattainable creatures. once you become always available, it will be different. women are such beautiful creatures and their physical structure is so addictive to look at. to observe them, to smell, kiss, and caress their bodies (not body) is so tempting. its fascinating to date women and not exclusively date. this is, of course, not leaning towards something romantic. it's intellectual. it's like a study of different women. women are more interesting than men because we can be interested in what men are interested in but there are more interests that men don't get into that women do. it's so fun to see women and to know about them. i used to have crushes in girls when i was in high school but its just to get an idea on my own identity.
oh well, there's no one way to keep a man because you should not keep him anyway. he should keep you.

The Daughter Syndrome

they say that there is always a little girl inside of us women. it's true. in fact, i find myself in that situation in all the relationships i've had--the whining, the baby talking. i know that i could already trust the guy if there is some of those already present in the relationship.

today, i am awfully bored. i have plenty of free time and i mean plenty. i can't proceed with my game plan yet though because i have to wait until i set foot in the philippines. for now, i should only enjoy the time that i am free. the first person that i want to bother is my boyfriend aka father, older brother, etc. i am attention deficit when it comes to him. i always want him to be on call like a doctor. well i basically just need someone to talk to. someone to have a chitchat now that i have this amount of free time. i just want to think of the present, not the future. i want to get entertained.

how can i get entertained when i dont have money... i just turn to my dad? let's see what will happen today...

fresh!

it's 2am and i took a nap. i wasn't intending to take it but i just fell asleep. well, it's an ungodly hour anyway. i dreamt of my mom and sisters staying with me in the same place i am in. right here in my beautiful pad in china. they say dreams are a symbol of your fears or desires. and everything will fall into place again once i get there... back home, back in the philippines.
now i feel like celebrating, must be yahoomusic rnb. i just feel like being sexy and going to the bar, having my taste of being hot again after months of hibernating, having a fabulous life feeling like an adolescent once again. i feel so fresh!!! fuck the age. so what if i'm 27? i still feel so 22!

still about me

i am getting married to someone who will bring me to BELGIUM. this is a dream come true! slap on the face--am i awake or not? i'm still skeptical and i still don't know by now. fuck! it's april 2 and he's going to belgium on april 15. that leaves him less than 15 days to fix our marriage papers. he's going to marry me? me? yes, i'm pretty but i'm quite the crazy woman type. i get insecure and angry and my thoughts lead me to do something drastic all the time. i am never submissive. i'm really strong. i can stand alone. for me, it's better not to have a relationship than to follow a guy or be stressed out over a guy. i am happy and still surprised now. i can't wait to sign those papers and go to that country. really. maturity tells me to go and think it over a hundred times before diving, imagining what will happen in the future. another side of me, tells me to just calm down and focus on my own career goals and not rely on the guy. i think the second one is much better. rather than getting frustrated in the end, i'd rather see things first, see what will happen. sometimes apathy is the best way to counter unnecessary stress. but shit! i can't stop thinking about it! i can't stop imagining myself being in that country, cheering for my football star and being a what? a caregiver? it's a french-speaking country and i'm english-speaking. there might be jobs that need english-speakers! a call center perhaps. wait, i'll browse through the net on english-speaking jobs in belgium. yes there are! but i would like to stick to communication. i would like to jobs related to media and communication. i have various experiences actually be it sales, customer service, education, but nothing related to media and that is what i'm going to start right now. now this is realistic. media then eventually be a star on television. i'm just really riding the second choice boat here but i really want to be a star. that's what i want to be and that's what i'm going to be. sort of an oprah winfrey dream. i just want to be famous. and yes, money will follow after that. money is nothing if you are not self-fulfilled. if the desires of the heart are not fulfilled, money is nothing. thing is, i don't really live to dress up and flaunt branded clothes. it's not really my priority. my priority is to do what i really really want. idealism can't be robbed off me. it's still like that and i know i have the strength for that.

DAWN

the dawn and listening to 'blue grassland' by soulstance (chillout) makes me go nowhere but right where i am. 'you give me something' by james morrison... wow... i feel romantic... i am looking forward to going back to the philippines and fixing my life... maybe this time it will be good. it will be the best. i feel happy and i think this time it will be for the best. yes, i will definitely miss china especially where i am staying at. i will miss this cozy place but in this place i just daydream of the philippines.
i wish to have this kind of cozy bedroom again when i'm back in the philippines. i want to be able to listen to my lite sounds and my privacy like this. i knew it. my last days in china are definitely the best. its travel. it was a helluva travel.
back to reality...