my boyfriend finally forgave me for not going to his place. now i think i'm about to make him mad. i can predict that, i do. first, i haven't told him about the party that i will be going to. he will say that i should not go there because i have work tomorrow and that it's too far so it would be expensive for the taxi. that's the first scenario. another scenario is a guy attempting to go to my place. he has a juicy offer. one juicy offer from a young, attractive guy. samantha jones blood rush--i can feel that again. both are tempting situations. both are "fun" so help me on what to do, shall i:
a. do nothing, don't charge my phone so no one can reach me
b. go to the party and lie to my boyfriend (which is hard because he obliges me to be on cam at night all the time, though i can sneak out when he starts sleeping)
c. tell my boyfriend that i'm going to the party though he disagrees--so what, he will forgive me anyway after 24 hours
d. entertain the other guy, in this way i can show him that i'm at home (have the guy stay at the back of the computer while my beau and i chat then when it's over, the show begins)
e. let the guy go to my room, have him sit where the computer is not facing it. talk to him without opening my mouth? cover my mouth while talking to him? grab my phone, pretend that i'm talking to someone on the phone that's why i'm opening my mouth?
HELP!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
this is IT.
my life. there's no turning back. this is it. this is the turning point of my life. i will go back to my country and start life from scratch. after 5 years of searching and failing, thinking and thinking, being too sure-footed and avoiding failure, i'm finally going to reach and focus on my dreams. i have daydreamed too much. i have been afraid too much. i've been having a vacation too much, dilly-dallying. now is the time to really be where i want to be--to be in my niche. i've worried so much on financial status and the fear of not surviving. now, everything is fine. GOD will be on my side. it's like an airplane taking off. my heart is racing... yes, i'm still afraid that nothing might come out but it's impossible. something will come out. if i only focus, if i only believe--i will be there. now i'm going to focus on working on my dreams.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
gratitude to money
i looked thru the glass windows from the 24th floor of this apartment and i saw a mountain full of green trees! it is such a wonderful sight, such sight that is refreshing, makes me want to just kiss my worries good bye. it helps to be easily amazed by the sights. it pays to be happy with just music and the thought that you are still alive even if yes, life is not the ideal, not how you wanted it to be. at least, i can still watch a good movie on a nice tv screen and write down my thoughts while watching 'the reader' which are:
-why do i feel the need to please people in things
-i noticed that movies that can really be touching are those about love and repressed feelings, long lost love...
-how can someone sacrifice so much for love?
-it's only when someone dies that you would think of spending time with the person
i just watched 'the reader' and looked at the shots and noticed how a simple plot and a few set of actors can make a movie touching and wonderful. it is the story. it is...
you know, i just want to forget about my life not for a minute, not for an hour, not for a day, but for the whole time i will be spending it here in china. the uncertainty, the chaos. the only fine thing i want to do here is just sit in the room, watch a movie, daydream. outside are busy streets that just shouts "cheater". everybody's so busy making money--making money that varies, it can be 10%, 100%, 50%... it can be 0% sales. damn! and i hate that feeling of worrying about money. money is something that can ruin things, ruin families, ruin. just ruin. it's money that can make a woman strip off her clothes to a stranger, can cause that unnecessary adrenaline rush when a thief snatches the bag of someone. it's money that make women marry someone they don't really feel that hazy love feeling but with someone they feel financially secure with. it's money, money that can give you power, power to make someone pretend that he or she loves you. it's money that makes us fight in companies, causes us stress and makes us want to kiss ass with the superior so we can get promoted. it's money that can make us feel insecure and undervalue ourselves. it's money -- and let's forget about money.
what for me is more important in life? it is passion, catharsis, art. the only reason why i want money to be there is because i want to have means to support the 'artistic' life. i just need certain things to survive, it's just to survive and be able to do things.
-thought: people do not waste time on you if they don't need anything from you; it maybe love, sex, reassurance, companionship, money, depending on the need of the person at that time. the most unacceptable in the society though, is needing someone for money. why? because the quality of a person's life nowadays and how he or she is accepted in the society is determined by the amount of his or her money.
-why do i feel the need to please people in things
-i noticed that movies that can really be touching are those about love and repressed feelings, long lost love...
-how can someone sacrifice so much for love?
-it's only when someone dies that you would think of spending time with the person
i just watched 'the reader' and looked at the shots and noticed how a simple plot and a few set of actors can make a movie touching and wonderful. it is the story. it is...
you know, i just want to forget about my life not for a minute, not for an hour, not for a day, but for the whole time i will be spending it here in china. the uncertainty, the chaos. the only fine thing i want to do here is just sit in the room, watch a movie, daydream. outside are busy streets that just shouts "cheater". everybody's so busy making money--making money that varies, it can be 10%, 100%, 50%... it can be 0% sales. damn! and i hate that feeling of worrying about money. money is something that can ruin things, ruin families, ruin. just ruin. it's money that can make a woman strip off her clothes to a stranger, can cause that unnecessary adrenaline rush when a thief snatches the bag of someone. it's money that make women marry someone they don't really feel that hazy love feeling but with someone they feel financially secure with. it's money, money that can give you power, power to make someone pretend that he or she loves you. it's money that makes us fight in companies, causes us stress and makes us want to kiss ass with the superior so we can get promoted. it's money that can make us feel insecure and undervalue ourselves. it's money -- and let's forget about money.
what for me is more important in life? it is passion, catharsis, art. the only reason why i want money to be there is because i want to have means to support the 'artistic' life. i just need certain things to survive, it's just to survive and be able to do things.
-thought: people do not waste time on you if they don't need anything from you; it maybe love, sex, reassurance, companionship, money, depending on the need of the person at that time. the most unacceptable in the society though, is needing someone for money. why? because the quality of a person's life nowadays and how he or she is accepted in the society is determined by the amount of his or her money.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
THINGS THAT I FUCKING DON'T LIKE ABOUT CHINA
A. Being a Fucking Teacher/Employee
1. You don't get paid on time-a few days delay is bearable but a fucking week?
2. No fucking medical benefits
3. They cost-cut you on everything. They fucking promised a "house" for me then when I arrived here, I was about to share it with someone. And that bitch, by the way, is my countrymate who is such a crab-very Filipino, eh?
4. They are all liars and cheaters saying that internet will be provided in my "house". There was not even a cable and what do you expect? No computer!
5. Now with being a teacher, who would believe that the university students can just walk out anytime they want to! (Just because they don't like the activity)
6. Fucking A! I forgot, they are all stupid and can't understand fucking English so they can only grasp 30%! Shit, I read a whole chapter, asking them if they could understand from time to time. They say yes, I go on, and when I ask them questions, they said they can't understand anything!
7. So I bought some books with chinese translation for their benefit. I asked someone to read the chinese version first then the English... still they can't fucking understand. It's not language barrier anymore. They are just PLAIN stupid.
8. I fucking hate that I have to wake up as early as 5:30 in the morning to catch the fucking bus to the university.
9. What the fuck! Someone just bumped me and never even made an effort to apologize. Nevermind, it happens everywhere, everyday anyway.
10. But a motorbike just bumping you along a pedestrian lane? This country is fucking dangerous.
AND A LOT MORE.
1. You don't get paid on time-a few days delay is bearable but a fucking week?
2. No fucking medical benefits
3. They cost-cut you on everything. They fucking promised a "house" for me then when I arrived here, I was about to share it with someone. And that bitch, by the way, is my countrymate who is such a crab-very Filipino, eh?
4. They are all liars and cheaters saying that internet will be provided in my "house". There was not even a cable and what do you expect? No computer!
5. Now with being a teacher, who would believe that the university students can just walk out anytime they want to! (Just because they don't like the activity)
6. Fucking A! I forgot, they are all stupid and can't understand fucking English so they can only grasp 30%! Shit, I read a whole chapter, asking them if they could understand from time to time. They say yes, I go on, and when I ask them questions, they said they can't understand anything!
7. So I bought some books with chinese translation for their benefit. I asked someone to read the chinese version first then the English... still they can't fucking understand. It's not language barrier anymore. They are just PLAIN stupid.
8. I fucking hate that I have to wake up as early as 5:30 in the morning to catch the fucking bus to the university.
9. What the fuck! Someone just bumped me and never even made an effort to apologize. Nevermind, it happens everywhere, everyday anyway.
10. But a motorbike just bumping you along a pedestrian lane? This country is fucking dangerous.
AND A LOT MORE.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
after nap feeling
I took a nap in the university library. It was for just five minutes and when I awoke, I feel amorous, in love. I don't know with whom but I just feel that loving feeling. I don't know where this came from. I just feel a renewed sense of hope. From where? Gee, I really can't tell. All I know was before that, I approved an ex-boyfriend in Facebook. Could it be that I still feel those endorphins still? There are just some people that we really like and can't forget, don't we? And for those guys that we don't like but we enter into a relationship with, you get mad easily just with the slightest provocation. With the things we don't like, we only want to get something from them but never really enjoy them. But when it comes to people or things that we like (and it does not matter whether they like us), we just can't say no to them.
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